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Climbing out ….

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The good news is that I’m back in my “boots”. I’m back in bunker gear and pulling regular tours.

The bad news is that I’m still not 100% and I know I never will be again. I’m still working through the grieving process and searching for my “new normal” (read my previous post “Searching for a New Normal” by clicking HERE) .

In another previous post (“Melt Down”) , I told ya about the “stages of grief” and how grief is as individual as the person suffering through it. We don’t necessarily go through the stages in order and by no means in the same way.

I’m currently working through the “depression” stage (and, I believe; suffering through PTSD).

I was expecting it but have never fully understood exactly what “depression” was. I’m learning the hard way.

My thoughts continue to wonder with every waking moment and it’s difficult for me to focus.

I still can’t eat. I just don’t have an appetite … I’m  not hungry. When I try to force myself to eat, I throw it back up so I figure why bother.

I’m sleeping some at night now but I’m not REALLY “sleeping”. I’m tired all the time and can’t motivate myself to get out and do anything. I try to make myself go “somewhere” or do “something” but I don’t. I know I need to.

I haven’t even been able to write (evident in my recent lack of postings and absence from Face Book).

I’m not getting along well with others … I just want to be alone.

All these things seem so petty and easy to fix but they’re not.

That’s the hardest part for me. I know what’s happening and what I need to do ….. I just can’t muster the energy or motivation to get it done.

I have to start climbing my way out of this hole … I thought I have been but it doesn’t feel like I’m making much progress. I can’t stay here (like this) forever.

One of the folks I’ve been seeing offered a prescription for anti-depressants. It’s not for me. There’s a small part of me that almost took her up on it just so I could learn for myself (and share with you folks) if they (the pills) “really” work or not. Unfortunately,  I’m not the “pill” taking kind ( I hardly even even take an aspirin) so I won’t be able to tell you “first hand” about anti-depressants. I can tell you that depression is REAL . It’s an illness that can be crippling.

I see a lot of it in the firehouse for one reason or another. Not just in situations like mine (the loss of a loved one) but also over financial issues, marital problems etc. If you want to learn more about depression and take your “Depression IQ quiz”, take a minute and CLICK HERE .

The best thing for me has been talking about it. Getting “it” out of my head and off my chest. I’ve wrote about them a lot here lately but once again, I want to share with you some folks who you CAN TALK TO. People who understand and that do MAKE A DIFFERENCE.

These folks are not just for you or me either. They are there for our Brothers and Sisters as well and it’s up to us to let them know that help is available. PAY ATTENTION … look around you. If someone in your company, your Battalion, Department or whatever is needing help, point them in this direction. You know … firefighter “so and so” whos wife just left him. Ol “what’s his name” from Engine whatever who just took a 3rd mortgage out because he lost his 2nd job.  That S.O.B on the Ladder who we all know has been drinking too much …. all these Brothers have someone to turn to. Let them know before it’s too late. Here are the links ….

Grief.com,   Recover from Grief.com , The Sweeney Alliance,Firefighter Behavioral Health Alliance, North American Firefighter Veteran Network

I had a bad day yesterday. Like most everyday, there’s always something that will remind me of Jackson.

I pulled a tour Saturday (we work 24hr shifts) and when I got home yesterday morning, the Buckaroo was waiting for me. It was 8am , he missed his “Paw-Paw” and wanted to play.

He got his motorcycle toy out. It’s like the old Evil Knievel wind up toy. If you’re a boy and anywhere near my age (44), I’d bet you had one.

I showed him how to use some books / magazines to make a ramp so we could make some jumps down the hallway. It was just how me and Jack did it when we were kids.

I could see us like it was just yesterday. Then the thought hit me (as it always does in situations like this) …. I wanted to call Jackson and tell him what we were doing. He would LOVE it! Knowing that me and the Buckaroo were doing exactly what he and I did as kids. I know he’d remember our ramps … our jumps…. fighting over who went next…. he’d understand and know EXACTLY what we were feeling / doing. He’d have that unforgettable smile on his face just thinking about it.

I’ll never get to make “those” calls again … not to Jackson and it’s killing me. This grief … the depression…. it keeps knocking me down but I won’t let it keep me here.

Like I said in the beginning of this post, I have to start climbing my way out of this hole.

“CLIMBING”…… Seems I wrote about that one time …. back in July of 2011 actually in a post titled “We are all Climbing” (Take the time to hit the link and read that post … I think you’ll find it worthwhile). Stairs,  ladders or whatever obstacle, it seems we all are indeed “climbing”.

Me? I’m gonna find my way out …. I’m gonna find that “new normal” because I’m going to keep climbing …. it’s all I know to do.

I’m gonna start by getting out of town again. I’m going to head up north and spend a little time in NYC and out on Long Island.

I’m going to attend the Long Island Fire, Rescue and EMS Mega Show on Feb. 23rd / 24th. I’ll be working the booth with my MN8 FoxFire family but I’ll also be doing what I love best … meeting, spending time with and talking to all the Brothers and Sisters in attendance. I think it will be just what I need to get “moving” again …. to “re-engage” and get “back in the game”.

I’ll get ya more details in the next day or so …. until then, thanks again for all the support. Thanks too for allowing me to share all of this with you …. I LOVE YA ALL!

Stay SAFE and in House!

Captain Wines

Posted by on February 18, 2013 • Filed under: administration-leadership, ems-health-safety, ems-topics, fire-rescue-topics, firefighter-safety-health, news, Uncategorized • Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

We are all climbing

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Tomorrow, Rhett (The Fire Critic), Kevin Tottin ( Salem Fire / EMS ) and I will arrive in Baltimore, Md for Firehouse Expo 2011.

We have a very busy work schedule through Sunday. We will be there working with Firefighter Netcast  and will be set up in Booth #743 with the likes of  Bill Schum ( Fire Geezer) and Dave Statter ( Statter 911 ) … Stop by for a visit!

We also have several meetings to attend and people to meet with. You will of course find us with the crew from the Fire/EMS Blog Network, Go Forward Media  and Go Forward Fire.  Bosses Dave Iannone and Chris ” hey buuuuuddy” Herbert always take pretty good care of us.  Bill Carey, Paul Andrews and Mary Velline are another 3 folks from the Go Forward team who have always made me feel right at home.  You may also find us hanging out with Zach Green and his crew from MN8 Products / Fox Fire.  Despite all the work, we’re gonna have a good time!

We (Rhett, Kevin and I) will also be participating in the 9/11 Memorial Stair Climb on Thursday at 2pm.  We will climb 110 stories of stairs in full turn out gear (I’ll be the skinny guy with a big mustache carrying Rhett).

Someone asked me the other day why in the world would I want to do that?

That’s easy … because my brothers of the FDNY couldn’t !  They weren’t allowed the time. The towers came down before they could complete their job and maybe,  in some small way; this will allow me to finish it for them.

343 members of the FDNY were climbing those stairs for the people pictured above right …. now, I’ll climb for those 343!

At the sign up, we were asked if we’d like to climb in honor or memory of a particular Firefighter. I choose Joseph “Joey” Angelini.

That’s Joey pictured to the left. Years ago, I used to go to the city for St. Patty’s Day. I’d always stay at a firehouse and catch a ride. One of my first rides was with Rescue 1. Joey was on that tour and went out of his way to spend time and talk with me. He made a lasting impression.

He was the oldest member of the FDNY still in company and he was on one of the busiest rigs !  Talk about Wooden Ladders and Iron Firemen!

His love for the job was evident in his every word …. the pride and honor. It doesn’t seem like we see a lot of that any more.

Like my dad, Joey must have passed his passion on to his son. Joseph Angelini Jr. followed his father’s footsteps but, regretfully; was also killed in the towers that September day ( assigned to Ladder Company 4).

My climb wont be easy. Their’s was worse!

I haven’t been to the gym nor have I practiced for the event. They didn’t have that luxury. The alarm sounded and they went.

This climb  has been on my mind a lot lately. I feel honored to have the opportunity.

As I was thinking, it hit me … I’ve been climbing stairs all my life. Most of us on the job have.

Not necessarily stairs like I’ll climb on Thursday, or the ones they climbed that day; but stairs none the less.

Give me a minute or 20 to explain.

Rhett had a post up last week about the final season of Rescue Me. See that post HERE . In it, he says …

“I think that many may agree that Rescue Me was a decent show in the beginning, but as the seasons progressed dysfunctional lives and too often nearly impossible heroics in conditions which are not indicative of normal firefighting lost real firefighters along the way.”

I have to disagree. I LOVE the show. I can relate to the character Tommy Gavin. The show hasn’t “lost” me and, despite what others may think; I consider myself to be a “real firefighter”.

I’m as dysfunctional as Gavin. Hell, maybe more so! Most of the old or “real” firefighters I know are as well. WE HAVE TO BE! Is that a good thing? Healthy? Probably not but that doesn’t change the facts.

Are we all as messed up as Gavin? No…. it’s TV. They just rolled all (or most of) our problems into one character.

You can’t see what we’ve seen and do what we’ve done and think yourself normal. Do dead people talk to me from inside my locker? NO. But there are faces I see often and will never forget. Memories I can’t loose. I would bet that true statistics within our profession for alcohol and spousal abuse would amaze you. Whats the divorce rate in your Department? The stress of this job can be overwhelming. Wonder why heart attacks are so prevalent?

Talk about stairs to climb …. try working a 24 hour shift away from your family. Get off tomorrow morning and go to you’r 2nd job. Screen a few calls from the wife about where you have to be when to pick up the kid or kids for this or that. Fire Officer class is tonight 6- 8pm … that promotion test is just weeks away and Firefighter “Joe” from the truck could use a hand building his deck for the company cookout next week.

Don’t forget to stop by so and so and drop off a check for whatever lesson or sports club and we’re out of milk.

By the way, the dishwasher quit working,  the grass needs mowed and my car is making a “funny noise”.

Do you have enough hours in the day? Enough days in the week? Are you making enough money? Yea… all the firemen I know are filthy RICH! How about your runs?  Seeing anything that bothers you? Hungry, low income children. Do ya see people you want to help and cant?

Get closer to home How many games have you missed due to pulling a tour? How many birthdays, holidays etc? How many times have you been pulled between you’re “firehouse family” and your family at home?

It’s an up hill battle…. “stairs to climb”  and it comes with the job. Over worked, under paid, seeing people in the worst conditions, sacrificing ourselves and our families for complete strangers . .. why? Because it’s a calling … It’s OUR CALLING!

 The bad news is that there are plenty of steps. They keep going up and up. My good friend and West Coast Brother Joe Schmoe must feel like he’s on an escalator. He called last week and I knew something was heavy on his mind. He didn’t get the chance to tell me but I know what it is. Cold feet. Schmoe is nearing retirement (as in about a month away). He’s been climbing those stairs so long, he doesn’t know how to stop. He’s not sure if he wants to. I hope he finds a peaceful landing to catch his breath. I know he will but I also know that his heart and soul is in that stairway. The same one we are all climbing. Not unlike the ones that collapsed on our brothers back in 2001.

That’s why I’m climbing Thursday. Because of firemen before me like my dad and Captain Joe Schmoe who have made their climb. I’m climbing because  if any of those 343 Brothers lost on September 11, 2001  were here today, I’d guarantee they’d miss or sacrifice whatever to be right there in those stairways again.

Thursday, they will be. They will be in a stairway in Baltimore Md. They will be in my mind and I WONT MISS A SINGLE STEP !!

I’ll update ya from the road… until then, stay safe and in house!

Captain Wines

Posted by on July 19, 2011 • Filed under: fire-rescue-topics, firefighter-safety-health, in-the-line-of-duty, line-of-duty, news, Uncategorized • Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Taking it all in ….

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** Language WARNING for this post **

I guess I’m still absorbing all the information that is surfacing around the death of Osama bin Laden.

There’s a lot to take in and the event has my emotions all over the scale once again.

I’m happy, sad,  thankful and at times even mad … hang with me and I’ll explain.

I, like most every other firefighter in the Country; haven’t forgotten.

See my September 11, 2010 post

Much like the The Space Shuttle Challenger disaster back in January of ’86, that evening  in July of 1969 when  man walked on the moon or that November day in 1963 when President Kennedy was assassinated, Americans will  remember EXACTLY where they were and what they were doing on on September 11, 2001.

That day, I got a call from my dad (who was still on the job at the time). I rushed over to our shop. Together, we watched in horror as the terrorist attacks played out. We watched the towers come down and knew firemen had died … we just didn’t know how many.

Soon, the names al-Qaida and bin Laden was on every TV channel and news paper to be found. Given the opportunity, I could and would have killed him with a Q-Tip or hand full of cotton balls … whichever would have taken the longest and caused the most pain / suffering.

I’ve waited almost 10 years to hear that this piece of shit is dead!

I was on duty Sunday night when word got out. Rhett (Rhett Fleitz ..aka The Fire Critic) called to tell me to turn the TV on. Minutes after, we caught an EMS run … it was around mid-night. When we cleared from the run, dispatch asked me if I could give her a phone call and I did.

She wanted us to know the news. “If you get back to the station, turn on the TV …the President is going to announce that they’ve killed bin Laden”.  Her thoughts went to FIREFIGHTERS. She knew we would want to know!  I stayed up most of the night watching the coverage.

I was happy … happy, excited and thankful that we finally got him. My thoughts quickly moved to our Brothers and Sisters of the FDNY and the families of those murdered on 9/11. I knew that we would share  in the joy of bin Laden’s death but also knew that the events would have them reliving the pain of that day all over again. I could only hope that the happiness found in his death would trump the pain and sorrow.

Some folks can’t understand how anyone can be happy about killing someone. If you’re one of those folks, maybe you shouldn’t be reading this. “Happy” really doesn’t describe how I feel…. it’s even more than that.

I think Bill Kennedy (and many others) feel the same way. Bill is retired from the FDNY and now lives down here on Smith Mountain Lake. Bills son, Tom; was murdered on 9/11 in the South tower having responded in on Ladder 101. That’s Tom Kennedy pictured on the left.

Mr. Kennedy had 2 good quotes in this morning’s local paper ….

“That son of a bitch is in the right place, and you can quote me on that”

“I know where he’s going, and it’s not up”

Read the entire article from The Roanoke Times  HERE  or more local coverage  HERE . You can visit Firefighter Thomas Kennedy’s Memorial Page   HERE. I’ll also add this local video of an interview with the Kennedys ….

 

 I’ve watched today as more and more details of the events around bin Laden’s death emerged. My emotions turned to wonder and anger. Actually, at one point; I was just plain MAD!

 
 The Roanoke Times is reporting that following his death, bin Laden’s body “was washed in private by two Muslim members of the U.S. military, wrapped in a white sheet, placed in a weighted bag and slid into the water from the deck of the USS Carl Vinson to the recitation of religious remarks by a U.S. officer that were translated into Arabic” .YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!

 

How many empty caskets did we bury? How many pieces of clothing, uniform or DNA substituted for the bodies of our fallen and this ass hole (bin Laden) gets a funeral? Washed him .. wrapped him and said words! I gotta say .. that chaps my ass! I would have strung the body up at Ground Zero.

That’s another point .. I WANT TO SEE THE PICTURES. Hell, I want to see the video.  Put all the conspiracy theories to rest now.

Ok… I’m getting wound up here….  let me change directions.

photo from The Radio Patriot

To the U.S. Navy Seals and all of the men and women of our armed forces  THANK YOU !

Thank you for continuing to look, for continuing to fight and for not forgetting.

WELL DONE !

 Keep up the good work because I’m afraid this thing is far from over. All the questions with Pakistan and what they did or didn’t know. Bin Laden was just the leader … his army of terrorist are still out there and without a doubt wanting to avenge his death.

 

 

Teague Kenny has a great article over on  ” The Tail Board “. Check out his post   Gettin’ Ready .

He’s right boys … keep your boots close, pack an extra bag, keep that equipment checked and in top shape. Get your nose in a book .. study procedures etc … plan … study. Be smart, THINK … keep your eyes open. I know you are but … BE READY!

I’m gonna stop here for now. I could go on and on but my mind is working faster than I can type and I’m afraid it wont come out right. I get a 13 day break starting in the morning. I have special dinner plans tomorrow night (that I will post about) and head out to California on Friday. I’ll check in and finish my thoughts on this post as soon as I get the chance.

Thanks for following … Stay Safe and in House!

Captain Wines

Posted by on May 3, 2011 • Filed under: fire-rescue-topics, in-the-line-of-duty, major-incidents, news, Uncategorized, videos • Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Happy St. Patty’s Day!!!

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Happy St. Patty’s Day from Ironfiremen.com

I hope the “luck of the Irish”  rides with all you brothers and sisters out there on duty tonight. Regretfully, I’m one of those pulling a tour. But hey, I know all you Jakes out there with the night off will drink a green pint or 20 for those of us who cant be out there with ya!

If any of ya find any leprechauns running around out there that look like this one …. snatch on to her for me (you guys know I have a “thing” for thigh highs and midgets…LOL)

All kidding aside, I hope you are all having a fun and safe night out. That said, if you are out painting the town green, DON’T drink and drive. Please remember to use a designated driver or call a cab .

Even though I’m stuck here, we really haven’t had too bad of a day. The weather was absolutely BEAUTIFUL and it’s beginning to feel a little like spring.

They’ve been paining our station for the past week or so and the oil base paint has added a new aroma to our house. We’ve had all the doors open and fans set in every direction but we are still faced with the not so pleasant fragrance. Lucky for us, the Chief came to visit.

He decided there was no way he was gonna allow us to cook or eat in these conditions so he invited us up to Station #5 for our evening meal.

Turns out, the Chief was pulling double duty today … chief and chef.

Chief Adkins (Theodore Wendel …. TEDDY) and I worked together for many years on Ladder 2 when I was first hired. Teddy was the Senior Private and I the Junior when Ladder 2 was a tiller (open tiller). We went through a lot doors together and he taught me several lessons along the way. Working back then was FUN … we didn’t want a day off because we were afraid we’d miss something.

Teddy taught me about “seniority” in the fire house. As a kid and rookie fireman, obviously; I wanted the tiller position. Teddy would always remind me how I needed to learn “this” position or “that” task before trying to jump right to the tiller. That was unless it was raining, snowing or just plain cold as hell …. then it was time for me to learn the tiller …LMAO.

Teddy was also one of the men who taught me how to cook in a firehouse. It’s NOT EASY. The station was a double company with the Battalion stationed there as well. There were 10 men to cook for each day. You had to plan the menu, shop and cook and meals had better hit the table at noon and 18:00.

One of Teddy’s special dishes is the St. Patty’s Day staple … corned beef and cabbage.

It’s a casserole type dish that is very good. Corned beef, cabbage, potatoes and carrots. Anyway, that’s what he so fittingly prepared tonight.

Thanks to Chief Adkins and the Brothers and Sisters at Station #5 for having us down.

We weren’t the only guest at the Station #5 table tonight. The ambo had a paramedic student riding and the Chief had Priest ride along. The student is Jewish so it was mentioned that I should include a joke in tonight’s post…. 12 Firemen, a Jew and a Priest were sitting at …errrr… LOL … I’d better not.

The Chief’s ride along was Reverend Sandy Webb of St. John’s Episcopal Church. The Reverend is helping to start a Chaplin Program in our Department and wants to get out to meet our members and see a little of what we do and face.

We have attempted Chaplin programs in the past but none have lasted. Our Brothers out in the County have a great one in place and I hope Father Webb can create something similar.

Everyone was on their best behavior and the Father seemed to enjoy not only the meal but the typical firehouse table chatter.

I’m not sure he fully understands what he’s getting into but I know that he has some pretty good help by his side so I’m certain he’ll do just fine. (sorry about the first picture and the “midget and thigh high” comment Father but I did ask you to keep an open mind when checking out the site…lol) Special THANKS to Reverend Webb for his efforts on our behalf.

It’s a bit odd I guess but St. Patty’s Day always has me thinking of New York and the FDNY. I used to go up every year and march along side the Brothers from 39/16. I made the trip one last time following the 9-11 attacks and was honored to march ahead of 343 American flags.

FDNY Chaplin Mychal Judge (Died September 11, 2001)

With the FDNY on my mind and a Priest in the house, my thoughts were of Father Mychal Judge.

Father Judge was the Chaplin for the FDNY and was known and loved by all its members. He was a Roman Catholic priest of the Franciscan Order of Friars Minor

You’d never know it by looking at him in that pic would ya?  He looks like a fireman. Most FDNY members who knew him would likely tell ya that he was a fireman.

He responded to countless incidents to pray for and comfort the victims and members of the FDNY. The attacks on the World Trade Center in 2001 was no different. Father Judge was there from the beginning.

At 09:59 am that morning, when the South Tower collapsed; Father Judge was in the lobby of the North Tower. Debris and rubble from the South Tower collapse filled the North Tower lobby and took Father Judge’s life.

He is officially listed as the 1st victim of the attacks. His body bag was labeled “0001″.

I will never forget the images of those 4 men carrying his body from the rubble in a chair.

His funeral was held on September 15th and was attended by more than 3,000 people. His helmet was presented to Pope John Paul II and there has even been talks of Sainthood. Streets have been given his name, statutes have been erected, and medals awarded. The Father Mychal Judge Walk of Remembrance takes place every year in New York around the 9/11 anniversary. It begins with a Mass at St. Francis Church on West 31st Street, then proceeds to the site of Ground Zero, retracing Judge’s final journey and praying along the way.

So as you can see, the position of fire Department Chaplin is not one to be taken lightly.

Father Judge set the bar high.

I’m wondering how many of your departments have a Chaplin Program? How is it working? Do the members find it helpful? Do you have any advise for our members or for Reverend Webb as we begin building ours?

I did find a site with some information on Chaplin Programs for those of you who, like us; may not have one in place or may be thinking about starting one. Check out  Chaplin Fellowship Ministries for more.

That’s gonna do it for now …. for all you local folks, don’t forget to come out and support The Roanoke Rampage as we take on the Chicago Fire Department in full contact football for charity this Saturday, 3 pm at Salem Memorial Stadium.

Until next time… stay safe and in house!

Captain Wines

Posted by on March 17, 2011 • Filed under: command-leadership, fire-rescue-topics, firefighter-safety-health, in-the-line-of-duty, news, Uncategorized • Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,