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Climbing out ….

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The good news is that I’m back in my “boots”. I’m back in bunker gear and pulling regular tours.

The bad news is that I’m still not 100% and I know I never will be again. I’m still working through the grieving process and searching for my “new normal” (read my previous post “Searching for a New Normal” by clicking HERE) .

In another previous post (“Melt Down”) , I told ya about the “stages of grief” and how grief is as individual as the person suffering through it. We don’t necessarily go through the stages in order and by no means in the same way.

I’m currently working through the “depression” stage (and, I believe; suffering through PTSD).

I was expecting it but have never fully understood exactly what “depression” was. I’m learning the hard way.

My thoughts continue to wonder with every waking moment and it’s difficult for me to focus.

I still can’t eat. I just don’t have an appetite … I’m  not hungry. When I try to force myself to eat, I throw it back up so I figure why bother.

I’m sleeping some at night now but I’m not REALLY “sleeping”. I’m tired all the time and can’t motivate myself to get out and do anything. I try to make myself go “somewhere” or do “something” but I don’t. I know I need to.

I haven’t even been able to write (evident in my recent lack of postings and absence from Face Book).

I’m not getting along well with others … I just want to be alone.

All these things seem so petty and easy to fix but they’re not.

That’s the hardest part for me. I know what’s happening and what I need to do ….. I just can’t muster the energy or motivation to get it done.

I have to start climbing my way out of this hole … I thought I have been but it doesn’t feel like I’m making much progress. I can’t stay here (like this) forever.

One of the folks I’ve been seeing offered a prescription for anti-depressants. It’s not for me. There’s a small part of me that almost took her up on it just so I could learn for myself (and share with you folks) if they (the pills) “really” work or not. Unfortunately,  I’m not the “pill” taking kind ( I hardly even even take an aspirin) so I won’t be able to tell you “first hand” about anti-depressants. I can tell you that depression is REAL . It’s an illness that can be crippling.

I see a lot of it in the firehouse for one reason or another. Not just in situations like mine (the loss of a loved one) but also over financial issues, marital problems etc. If you want to learn more about depression and take your “Depression IQ quiz”, take a minute and CLICK HERE .

The best thing for me has been talking about it. Getting “it” out of my head and off my chest. I’ve wrote about them a lot here lately but once again, I want to share with you some folks who you CAN TALK TO. People who understand and that do MAKE A DIFFERENCE.

These folks are not just for you or me either. They are there for our Brothers and Sisters as well and it’s up to us to let them know that help is available. PAY ATTENTION … look around you. If someone in your company, your Battalion, Department or whatever is needing help, point them in this direction. You know … firefighter “so and so” whos wife just left him. Ol “what’s his name” from Engine whatever who just took a 3rd mortgage out because he lost his 2nd job.  That S.O.B on the Ladder who we all know has been drinking too much …. all these Brothers have someone to turn to. Let them know before it’s too late. Here are the links ….

Grief.com,   Recover from Grief.com , The Sweeney Alliance,Firefighter Behavioral Health Alliance, North American Firefighter Veteran Network

I had a bad day yesterday. Like most everyday, there’s always something that will remind me of Jackson.

I pulled a tour Saturday (we work 24hr shifts) and when I got home yesterday morning, the Buckaroo was waiting for me. It was 8am , he missed his “Paw-Paw” and wanted to play.

He got his motorcycle toy out. It’s like the old Evil Knievel wind up toy. If you’re a boy and anywhere near my age (44), I’d bet you had one.

I showed him how to use some books / magazines to make a ramp so we could make some jumps down the hallway. It was just how me and Jack did it when we were kids.

I could see us like it was just yesterday. Then the thought hit me (as it always does in situations like this) …. I wanted to call Jackson and tell him what we were doing. He would LOVE it! Knowing that me and the Buckaroo were doing exactly what he and I did as kids. I know he’d remember our ramps … our jumps…. fighting over who went next…. he’d understand and know EXACTLY what we were feeling / doing. He’d have that unforgettable smile on his face just thinking about it.

I’ll never get to make “those” calls again … not to Jackson and it’s killing me. This grief … the depression…. it keeps knocking me down but I won’t let it keep me here.

Like I said in the beginning of this post, I have to start climbing my way out of this hole.

“CLIMBING”…… Seems I wrote about that one time …. back in July of 2011 actually in a post titled “We are all Climbing” (Take the time to hit the link and read that post … I think you’ll find it worthwhile). Stairs,  ladders or whatever obstacle, it seems we all are indeed “climbing”.

Me? I’m gonna find my way out …. I’m gonna find that “new normal” because I’m going to keep climbing …. it’s all I know to do.

I’m gonna start by getting out of town again. I’m going to head up north and spend a little time in NYC and out on Long Island.

I’m going to attend the Long Island Fire, Rescue and EMS Mega Show on Feb. 23rd / 24th. I’ll be working the booth with my MN8 FoxFire family but I’ll also be doing what I love best … meeting, spending time with and talking to all the Brothers and Sisters in attendance. I think it will be just what I need to get “moving” again …. to “re-engage” and get “back in the game”.

I’ll get ya more details in the next day or so …. until then, thanks again for all the support. Thanks too for allowing me to share all of this with you …. I LOVE YA ALL!

Stay SAFE and in House!

Captain Wines

Posted by on February 18, 2013 • Filed under: administration-leadership, ems-health-safety, ems-topics, fire-rescue-topics, firefighter-safety-health, news, Uncategorized • Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

We are all climbing

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Tomorrow, Rhett (The Fire Critic), Kevin Tottin ( Salem Fire / EMS ) and I will arrive in Baltimore, Md for Firehouse Expo 2011.

We have a very busy work schedule through Sunday. We will be there working with Firefighter Netcast  and will be set up in Booth #743 with the likes of  Bill Schum ( Fire Geezer) and Dave Statter ( Statter 911 ) … Stop by for a visit!

We also have several meetings to attend and people to meet with. You will of course find us with the crew from the Fire/EMS Blog Network, Go Forward Media  and Go Forward Fire.  Bosses Dave Iannone and Chris ” hey buuuuuddy” Herbert always take pretty good care of us.  Bill Carey, Paul Andrews and Mary Velline are another 3 folks from the Go Forward team who have always made me feel right at home.  You may also find us hanging out with Zach Green and his crew from MN8 Products / Fox Fire.  Despite all the work, we’re gonna have a good time!

We (Rhett, Kevin and I) will also be participating in the 9/11 Memorial Stair Climb on Thursday at 2pm.  We will climb 110 stories of stairs in full turn out gear (I’ll be the skinny guy with a big mustache carrying Rhett).

Someone asked me the other day why in the world would I want to do that?

That’s easy … because my brothers of the FDNY couldn’t !  They weren’t allowed the time. The towers came down before they could complete their job and maybe,  in some small way; this will allow me to finish it for them.

343 members of the FDNY were climbing those stairs for the people pictured above right …. now, I’ll climb for those 343!

At the sign up, we were asked if we’d like to climb in honor or memory of a particular Firefighter. I choose Joseph “Joey” Angelini.

That’s Joey pictured to the left. Years ago, I used to go to the city for St. Patty’s Day. I’d always stay at a firehouse and catch a ride. One of my first rides was with Rescue 1. Joey was on that tour and went out of his way to spend time and talk with me. He made a lasting impression.

He was the oldest member of the FDNY still in company and he was on one of the busiest rigs !  Talk about Wooden Ladders and Iron Firemen!

His love for the job was evident in his every word …. the pride and honor. It doesn’t seem like we see a lot of that any more.

Like my dad, Joey must have passed his passion on to his son. Joseph Angelini Jr. followed his father’s footsteps but, regretfully; was also killed in the towers that September day ( assigned to Ladder Company 4).

My climb wont be easy. Their’s was worse!

I haven’t been to the gym nor have I practiced for the event. They didn’t have that luxury. The alarm sounded and they went.

This climb  has been on my mind a lot lately. I feel honored to have the opportunity.

As I was thinking, it hit me … I’ve been climbing stairs all my life. Most of us on the job have.

Not necessarily stairs like I’ll climb on Thursday, or the ones they climbed that day; but stairs none the less.

Give me a minute or 20 to explain.

Rhett had a post up last week about the final season of Rescue Me. See that post HERE . In it, he says …

“I think that many may agree that Rescue Me was a decent show in the beginning, but as the seasons progressed dysfunctional lives and too often nearly impossible heroics in conditions which are not indicative of normal firefighting lost real firefighters along the way.”

I have to disagree. I LOVE the show. I can relate to the character Tommy Gavin. The show hasn’t “lost” me and, despite what others may think; I consider myself to be a “real firefighter”.

I’m as dysfunctional as Gavin. Hell, maybe more so! Most of the old or “real” firefighters I know are as well. WE HAVE TO BE! Is that a good thing? Healthy? Probably not but that doesn’t change the facts.

Are we all as messed up as Gavin? No…. it’s TV. They just rolled all (or most of) our problems into one character.

You can’t see what we’ve seen and do what we’ve done and think yourself normal. Do dead people talk to me from inside my locker? NO. But there are faces I see often and will never forget. Memories I can’t loose. I would bet that true statistics within our profession for alcohol and spousal abuse would amaze you. Whats the divorce rate in your Department? The stress of this job can be overwhelming. Wonder why heart attacks are so prevalent?

Talk about stairs to climb …. try working a 24 hour shift away from your family. Get off tomorrow morning and go to you’r 2nd job. Screen a few calls from the wife about where you have to be when to pick up the kid or kids for this or that. Fire Officer class is tonight 6- 8pm … that promotion test is just weeks away and Firefighter “Joe” from the truck could use a hand building his deck for the company cookout next week.

Don’t forget to stop by so and so and drop off a check for whatever lesson or sports club and we’re out of milk.

By the way, the dishwasher quit working,  the grass needs mowed and my car is making a “funny noise”.

Do you have enough hours in the day? Enough days in the week? Are you making enough money? Yea… all the firemen I know are filthy RICH! How about your runs?  Seeing anything that bothers you? Hungry, low income children. Do ya see people you want to help and cant?

Get closer to home How many games have you missed due to pulling a tour? How many birthdays, holidays etc? How many times have you been pulled between you’re “firehouse family” and your family at home?

It’s an up hill battle…. “stairs to climb”  and it comes with the job. Over worked, under paid, seeing people in the worst conditions, sacrificing ourselves and our families for complete strangers . .. why? Because it’s a calling … It’s OUR CALLING!

 The bad news is that there are plenty of steps. They keep going up and up. My good friend and West Coast Brother Joe Schmoe must feel like he’s on an escalator. He called last week and I knew something was heavy on his mind. He didn’t get the chance to tell me but I know what it is. Cold feet. Schmoe is nearing retirement (as in about a month away). He’s been climbing those stairs so long, he doesn’t know how to stop. He’s not sure if he wants to. I hope he finds a peaceful landing to catch his breath. I know he will but I also know that his heart and soul is in that stairway. The same one we are all climbing. Not unlike the ones that collapsed on our brothers back in 2001.

That’s why I’m climbing Thursday. Because of firemen before me like my dad and Captain Joe Schmoe who have made their climb. I’m climbing because  if any of those 343 Brothers lost on September 11, 2001  were here today, I’d guarantee they’d miss or sacrifice whatever to be right there in those stairways again.

Thursday, they will be. They will be in a stairway in Baltimore Md. They will be in my mind and I WONT MISS A SINGLE STEP !!

I’ll update ya from the road… until then, stay safe and in house!

Captain Wines

Posted by on July 19, 2011 • Filed under: fire-rescue-topics, firefighter-safety-health, in-the-line-of-duty, line-of-duty, news, Uncategorized • Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Important information from Ironfiremen.com

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I have a few ‘clean up” items I need to hit this morning …..

First off, I need to follow up and link to a very important post from Bill Carey over on Backstep Firefighter. Bill posted about NIOSH. They ( NIOSH… National Iinstitute for Occupational Safety and Health) wants to hear from us!!  THEY WANT OUR IMPUT!!  NIOSH conducts the in depth reports following firefighter injuries and deaths. They want to know how we feel about those reports. Is there anything you’d like added? Any information they didn’t cover that you’d like to see? Maybe they are hitting one area too much…. like to see that changed??  HERE’S YOUR CHANCE!

Follow this link and let NIOSH know how YOU feel… They call it a “STAKE HOLDER COMMENT” section. If we are not the “STAKE HOLDERS” … who is??

Also, I need to hit the upcoming  event  ” EMS TODAY   The  JEMS conference and exposition”

EMS Today will once again be held in Baltimore, Md. on March 1-5, 2011 and IRONFIREMEN.COM will be there!

This is not only a chance to participate in outstanding classes and lecture but you will also have the opportunity to “Meet Up” and “Connect” with hundreds of other EMS professionals. Here’s an excerpt …

“Connect with hundreds of EMS professionals at the Meetup, Thursday night during EMS Today

Stop by Uno Chicago Grill at Harborplace in the Inner Harbor from 8pm-11pm. Enjoy beer, wine, soda, appetizers and tons of connections. Plus, meet your favorite Fire & EMS bloggers from the FireEMSBlogs.com community, contributors from JEMS, our Facebook Fans and more!”

Just as Steven Pasquale (aka white Sean or Sean Garrity of Rescue Me) did in Chicago, you too will have the chance to meet live and in person the likes of Rhett Fleitz (Fire Critic) and Me… Willie Wines Jr of Ironfiremen.com.

You can find all the details to the “Meet Up”  HERE …. make your plans NOW to attend or visit !!

I have some chores to finish up before football practice tonight but I’ll try to check back in later. Be sure to hit the NIOSH links and to make plans for EMS Today 2011 in Baltimore.

Stay safe and in house…

Captain Wines

Posted by on February 10, 2011 • Filed under: administration-leadership, command-leadership, ems-health-safety, ems-topics, firefighter-safety-health, firefighting-operations, news, technology-communications, technology-communications-ems-topics, training-development, training-fire-rescue-topics, Uncategorized • Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Ironfiremen.com looks back at 2010

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Scary thought I know but hey … everybody is doing it. I mentioned last night that 2010 was kinda like a roller coaster ride for me … a lot of “ups” and “downs” but I assume everyone’s life is kinda like that so maybe that’s my one link to normalcy. Anyway, today is the first day of 2011 so I figured I’d take a look back too …. hang on, here we go..

My “blogging” career began back in December of 2008 while assigned to Station #9 aka home of the “Melrose Misfits”. An A-shift member Jerry Franks aka “Beans” came up with the idea and created the site. The plan was for all 3 shifts to post and show a small glimpse of what firehouse life was like … the good the bad and the ugly. As it turned out, I did the postings for “C-shift”  … thus, the beginning of my involvement in blogging. The site was AWESOME and we had a blast doing it … it “hooked” me. We damn near won The Fire Critic’s 2009 Blog of the Year  in our first one out of the box. If you’ve never seen the site, take the time to scroll through the post  HERE. Anyway, that’s how all this got started so if ya don’t like it, you have “Beans” to thank … here he is

Station #9 was being shut down and combined with station #5 into a brand new multi million dollar station. The crews were to be hand picked and I wasn’t one of them. On my Birthday of all days, I was relocated to Station #3 January 16, 2010. The “trend” back then (set by us) was “station blogs” and it just so happened that station #3 had one. Station #3 was a new station as well and quite honestly took a ton of ribbing from us thugs at #9. Their site was sporadic at best and wasn’t updated very regularly. I didn’t want to move in and just “take over” so I decided that maybe I was done with the blogging thing. Who wanted to be part of that “fell good .. hippie blog” anyway?

Several phone calls and e-mails later, it was evident that some folks (well… both of em anyway) really enjoyed my writing and convinced me to pick it back up. I came up with the name Wooden Ladders and Iron Firemen because I felt (and still do) as if that “saying” has somehow reversed itself over tha last how many years. Anyway, that was the name and the site went up on February 23rd, 2010.

My first post contained a Xtranormal video … yea… you’re welcome Statter..LOL. I later erased the video and left the reat of the post ( I was just a little disgruntled at the time). So, I’ll start there and hit the highlights of each month since.

February 2010  The “birth” of what has now become Ironfiremen.com Most notable was the now erased video and the Hooter’s Girls pic of them choking a chicken …LOL (Hooters was 2 doors down from Station #3..yea.. that was a smart move).

Look closer guys … there IS a chicken in the pic…LOL

March 2010  A busy month and some decent posts. Our football season had began ( Roanoke Rampage.. and YES I played and YES it was full contact) but what stands out most in my mind was past Melrose Misfit Ben “Tyrone” Obaugh leaving the department after only a few years. This has been a problem in our Department for some time now…. big and quick “turn over”…. new guys staying a year or two and moving on. Tyrone was the “star” of the Station 9 site but more than that, he was “one of us”. We had a great crew back then and I loved em all but Tyrone held a special place in my heart … if ya didn’t kill him … you had to love him.

April 2010    WOW! More good post. Some great pics… fires.. work etc. I met some new friends and fellow bloggers such as Hydrant Girl … or “Gal” as I call her. I have a pic of her that month in her wedding dress and bunker pants … sexy, cool, and odd all rolled into one. That’s not the pic that stands out in my mind though. April also brought the first “nude” pic to our local blogs and YES .. we had it here first …

May 2010  We announced several pregnancies this month (no … none of em mine) and had several other funny events happening. It was Memorial day and I listed the name of our 343 Brothers lost back on September 11, 2001.  But, for me; the Rampage away game in Orlando Fla was the highlight. I was a celebrity for a while plus I didn’t have to be out in the cold snow or rain feeding cattle… I was laid up by the pool in good company ….

June 2010  Hay season was upon me and we were winding up our football season. I broke a collar bone but didn’t miss a play .. our last game in Charlotte was one of my best … I was mad as hell and just getting back into the “groove” of football.  Birthdays, parties, float trips and even a few fires.  It was  a very stressful time in my life so I neglected some of my work on the farm and spent quite a bit of time down in the Outter Banks …

July 2010  More hay and farm life shots. Visitors, a new shed and the end of 2 Eras.  Battalion Chief Bobby Slayton retired with almost 45 years of service while we, The IAFF and the entire Fire Service lost a leader in Duane Dixon’s death.

August 2010  More good post. The Buckaroo in some “compromising” settings. Family, friends, training etc. Another good Xtranormal video. August was also my first out of town “Fire Department related” trip in some time. I traveled to Chicago with Firefighter Netcast (Rhett Fleitz and John Mitchel) for Fire Rescue International 2010. WOW .. what a trip! I met so many new friends, contacts and leaders of the fire service that I had looked up to for so many years. This was the first time I had met Chris Naum, Chief Reason and Chief Billy Goldfeder. We even got to meet (and interview) “white Sean” from Rescue Me .. Steven Pasquale.  Most notable .. the first time I met Dave Statter .. or he met me  :-)

September 2010   Obviously, the 9th anniversary of the September 11th attacks were on everybody’s mind. My post was of how I haven’t forgotten. Another stand out for that month was that my baby sister from Long Beach, Ca. was in.  I hadn’t seen her in a while … a good but short visit

Octaber 2010  Oh yea… I was in full swing. Some fires .. good and bad calls… I showed some emotion in a post and even earned a “counseling session” from the Chief as to my posting choices. I had 2 big stand outs for the month .. I again teamed up with the crew from Firefighter Netcast and we headed up to Emitsburg, Md. for the 2010 National Fallen Firefighter Memorial Weekend. That trip and Halloween with the Buckaroo … his first mustache

November 2010  House fires … raw video … more emotion and Victoria Secretions. Yea… November was a good month! Tons of sexy pics and funny posts. Most notable was the time with friends and family for Thanksgiving. We had 5 generations together for a picture. Also notable was my product review of Axe shower gels and body wash …

December 2010  What else can ya say about December … CHRISTMAS. Of course, I had to add my little “Ironfiremen” spin and throw in Santa’s Sexy Helpers …

So there ya have it … a brief “Year in Review” if ya will. I have to admit that I had some decent post in 2010. Again, I don’t know why because I’m WAY out of the box when it comes to “Blogging rules” etc. My site and post are about me, my family and our lives. Well, a small part of it anyway. I guess it is kinda neat for some of ya to see how firemen think / live as opposed to straight line news etc. I don’t know but anyway and again, thanks for reading and following. Hey, take the time to browse through the older posts .. the “Archives” are in the right hand side bar. Don’t forget to “friend” me on “Picture Book” and be sure to “share” these post with your friends.

I hope you’ve enjoyed it … I know I have. Gonna kick back and relax for a bit this afternoon …. feeding etc maybe even a movie tonight (True Grit ???) . We’re back on duty tomorrow so I catch up with ya then

Until next time, stay safe and in house!

Captain Wines

Posted by on January 1, 2011 • Filed under: news, Uncategorized • Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Quick update from Chicago…

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Ok, that’s not Chicago but the pic says a whole lot about our situation right now… STUCK!! Oh yea baby.. another wonderful flying experience. We have been sitting, walking around and drinking in Chicago’s OHare airport for ohhhhh about a week now. Yea… stranded. Once again, Rhett’s “discount flight plans” came through. It appears as though “something” has happened to our plane. Something “mechanical” but apparently secret enough that they wont tell me.

This airport / flying business is starting to remind me of a really bad movie..

I tried to tell em that I am pretty good at turning a wrench. I can weld and fabricate just about anything. They assured me that they have their own mechanics and have the situation well in hand…



WOW!! Had I only have known. All kidding aside, we are stranded in Chicago but things are working out. I will update with details of our adventures as soon as I get home. You wont want to miss that post! Here are a few “teasers”…. I got to meet and hang with Steven Pasquale (white Sean…aka Sean Garrity) of Rescue me and Chief Billy Goldfeder. IT WAS COOL!!!!!


Ok, thats enough for now.. I have to go to the “lost child” desk and see if I can find Rhett. Wish me and us luck.. hopefully we’ll see good ol Va soon.
Stay safe and in the house til we get there..
Captain Wines

Posted by on August 29, 2010 • Filed under: Uncategorized • Tagged: , , , ,