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Opening up

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For those of us “on the job”, it’s a fairly common term.

We use it when talking about forcing entry into a structure or cutting a ventilation hole in the roof. Sometimes it’s even used  for vehicle extrication (using the “jaws of life” to cut open a car).

More often than not, it’s a “Truckie” term ( a firefighter assigned to a Ladder truck) although sometimes, due to today’s staffing issues; an Engine Company can be assigned these tasks.

I’ve been thinking about “opening up” and the various meanings of the term a lot here lately …. as related to the job and emotionally.

Today, I’m working an extra shift. I’m paying back a Brother (Tim Cady) who worked a day for me last week.

I’m pulling the tour at Station #1 (aka “The Big Show”) on A-shift. I’m riding the seat of the Ladder.

It’s a brand new Pierce, 100′ tiller and with a price tag of 1.2 million, she’s a sweet ride.

I spent my younger years in the Department assigned to a Ladder ….. it was  good, honest work. I’ve learned a lot since then. Truck work made me a good fireman. I’d like to think I’m older and wiser now but some will argue that.

I’ve been assigned to an Engine Company since I made Captain back in 2000. On the Engine, I’m thinking about size ups, water supply and getting to the fire.

Riding the Ladder, my thought process has to change just a bit. Today, I’m thinking about placement, forcible entry, search, rescue, ventilation, salvage, overhaul and even extrication.

“Opening up” is a priority for me and the A-Shift crew today. Opening up so so the Engine guys can get on the fire. Opening up to ventilate. Opening up to make our searches or opening up vehicles for extrication purposes.

The rig I’m riding is perfect for the job. It’s a 1.2 million dollar tool box. Everything we need to do our job … to “open up” is stored away nice and neat inside her.

It sounds difficult but it’s not. It’s all we know … it’s what we do. The other type of opening up however … the emotional opening up … that’s not so easy.

My absence from postings and social media has been pretty obvious lately.  In a recent post, “Climbing Out”; I shared with you that I am just reaching the “depression” stage of my grief (or PTSD) and it’s been a difficult journey.

The honest answer is that I just haven’t felt like writing. I still can’t seem to focus or get motivated.

I had the chance to travel up to Long Island New York last week for their Fire, Rescue and EMS Mega Show.

I got to spend the weekend with my MN8 FoxFire family. I call them “family” because they are … it was an easy decision to go.

I thought it would be “A Needed Distraction”.

In some ways, it was. I was hoping it would open some doors for me and it did …. it also slammed a few in my face.

Most of you know that Rhett (The Fire Critic) and I very seldom travel without the other but he was unable to make this trip.

Not wanting to drive alone, I figured I’d ask my sister, Marci; to tag along.

If nothing else, we’d get to spend the weekend together and that’s never a bad thing (or it shouldn’t be anyway). She was excited! We both were.

What I didn’t figure on was how emotionally difficult it would be for me (and maybe her too).

She reminds me so much of Jackson. I’ve never looked at or thought of her that way.

She looks like him. She acts like him. Her mannerisms. How she uses her hands when she talks, how she crosses her legs. How she talks. Little things but everywhere I looked, every time I turned around, she reminded me of Jackson and it breaks my heart. My stomach stayed in knots … that “sick” feeling all over again … the hurt.

I may have the same affect on her. Everyone always said that we all looked exactly alike (dad, me, Jack and Marci). I’m sure Dad sees Jack in us and I know it hurts. So here’s another door I’ll (we’ll) have to figure out how to “open up”. I’ve got to learn to be around things (including people / family) that remind me of Jack. I need to figure out how to make these “reminders” trigger the good memories and not rekindle my pain and sorrow.

I’m not sure how to do it. How to open this door.

I don’t think it’s one that can be “forced”. I think I’ve been doing too much of that lately … “forcing” the issues.

Today is two months since Jack took his life. Everyone is still asking “how” I am … how I’m “doing”.

My reply has become standard … what everyone wants to hear. I’m “ok”. I’m “hanging in”. Making it “day by day” or “one step at a time”.

I’m not so sure that’s 100% true. Click that photo to the left. Do you ever hide your true emotions with replies like that? Are you telling those around you what they “want to hear” or how you’re truly feeling?

I have to admit again that “opening up” here on the blog (as difficult as it has been to do) has been therapeutic. I think it’s been my best therapy so far. I wasn’t so sure in the beginning.

“Opening up” for all my readers to see was a huge decision for me. I wasn’t sure I even could (or should for that matter). I’m glad I have.

While in Long Island (and many times before, via e-mails etc) several Brothers and Sisters approached me with not only sympathy and condolences, but with THANKS as well. They actually thanked me for sharing my story. I don’t think I was expecting that.

Some say it’s uplifting, a source of inspiration and that it’s even helped them through their own struggles with grief.  Others say they miss the “old Willie” and that they are patiently awaiting the return of my “regular” postings while they understand and support my latest directions.

I met several GREAT Brothers and Sisters while in Long Island but one in particular will always stand out in my mind.

A true BROTHER and Captain Daniel Purcell of the Scarsdale Fire Department paid me a VERY special visit. He said he has been following my site (and Rhett’s) for a while now. When he seen I would be in Long Island, he had to come meet me.

We had a GREAT conversation. I wont share the details but it was very humbling. He brought gifts and even asked about the Buckaroo. I don’t think he was even interested in the show …. just delivering his message to me. THANKS AGAIN CAPT ! I hope you know how much that visit meant to me.

If it helps you to know, I’m not the only one talking about stress and “Behavioral Health” these days. “At an international conference on Friday, March 1, the NFFF introduced a new Behavioral Health Model that changes the way the fire service assists firefighters and others on the path to healing. It is based on the concept that no two firefighters will necessarily have the same reaction — not even to the same call”.

Learn more about what they’re doing / saying in the links below ….

“Helping Firefighters Deal with Psychological Stress from Job’s Routine and Extraordinary Events”

 Life Safety Initiatives 

And once again I’ll add my standard links / resources for grief, stress and PTSD …

Grief.com,   Recover from Grief.com , The Sweeney Alliance,Firefighter Behavioral Health Alliance, North American Firefighter Veteran Network

Stay SAFE and in House!

Captain Wines

Posted by on March 2, 2013 • Filed under: administration-leadership, command-leadership, ems-health-safety, fire-rescue-topics, firefighter-safety-health, firefighting-operations, news, Uncategorized • Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Climbing out ….

7 comments

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The good news is that I’m back in my “boots”. I’m back in bunker gear and pulling regular tours.

The bad news is that I’m still not 100% and I know I never will be again. I’m still working through the grieving process and searching for my “new normal” (read my previous post “Searching for a New Normal” by clicking HERE) .

In another previous post (“Melt Down”) , I told ya about the “stages of grief” and how grief is as individual as the person suffering through it. We don’t necessarily go through the stages in order and by no means in the same way.

I’m currently working through the “depression” stage (and, I believe; suffering through PTSD).

I was expecting it but have never fully understood exactly what “depression” was. I’m learning the hard way.

My thoughts continue to wonder with every waking moment and it’s difficult for me to focus.

I still can’t eat. I just don’t have an appetite … I’m  not hungry. When I try to force myself to eat, I throw it back up so I figure why bother.

I’m sleeping some at night now but I’m not REALLY “sleeping”. I’m tired all the time and can’t motivate myself to get out and do anything. I try to make myself go “somewhere” or do “something” but I don’t. I know I need to.

I haven’t even been able to write (evident in my recent lack of postings and absence from Face Book).

I’m not getting along well with others … I just want to be alone.

All these things seem so petty and easy to fix but they’re not.

That’s the hardest part for me. I know what’s happening and what I need to do ….. I just can’t muster the energy or motivation to get it done.

I have to start climbing my way out of this hole … I thought I have been but it doesn’t feel like I’m making much progress. I can’t stay here (like this) forever.

One of the folks I’ve been seeing offered a prescription for anti-depressants. It’s not for me. There’s a small part of me that almost took her up on it just so I could learn for myself (and share with you folks) if they (the pills) “really” work or not. Unfortunately,  I’m not the “pill” taking kind ( I hardly even even take an aspirin) so I won’t be able to tell you “first hand” about anti-depressants. I can tell you that depression is REAL . It’s an illness that can be crippling.

I see a lot of it in the firehouse for one reason or another. Not just in situations like mine (the loss of a loved one) but also over financial issues, marital problems etc. If you want to learn more about depression and take your “Depression IQ quiz”, take a minute and CLICK HERE .

The best thing for me has been talking about it. Getting “it” out of my head and off my chest. I’ve wrote about them a lot here lately but once again, I want to share with you some folks who you CAN TALK TO. People who understand and that do MAKE A DIFFERENCE.

These folks are not just for you or me either. They are there for our Brothers and Sisters as well and it’s up to us to let them know that help is available. PAY ATTENTION … look around you. If someone in your company, your Battalion, Department or whatever is needing help, point them in this direction. You know … firefighter “so and so” whos wife just left him. Ol “what’s his name” from Engine whatever who just took a 3rd mortgage out because he lost his 2nd job.  That S.O.B on the Ladder who we all know has been drinking too much …. all these Brothers have someone to turn to. Let them know before it’s too late. Here are the links ….

Grief.com,   Recover from Grief.com , The Sweeney Alliance,Firefighter Behavioral Health Alliance, North American Firefighter Veteran Network

I had a bad day yesterday. Like most everyday, there’s always something that will remind me of Jackson.

I pulled a tour Saturday (we work 24hr shifts) and when I got home yesterday morning, the Buckaroo was waiting for me. It was 8am , he missed his “Paw-Paw” and wanted to play.

He got his motorcycle toy out. It’s like the old Evil Knievel wind up toy. If you’re a boy and anywhere near my age (44), I’d bet you had one.

I showed him how to use some books / magazines to make a ramp so we could make some jumps down the hallway. It was just how me and Jack did it when we were kids.

I could see us like it was just yesterday. Then the thought hit me (as it always does in situations like this) …. I wanted to call Jackson and tell him what we were doing. He would LOVE it! Knowing that me and the Buckaroo were doing exactly what he and I did as kids. I know he’d remember our ramps … our jumps…. fighting over who went next…. he’d understand and know EXACTLY what we were feeling / doing. He’d have that unforgettable smile on his face just thinking about it.

I’ll never get to make “those” calls again … not to Jackson and it’s killing me. This grief … the depression…. it keeps knocking me down but I won’t let it keep me here.

Like I said in the beginning of this post, I have to start climbing my way out of this hole.

“CLIMBING”…… Seems I wrote about that one time …. back in July of 2011 actually in a post titled “We are all Climbing” (Take the time to hit the link and read that post … I think you’ll find it worthwhile). Stairs,  ladders or whatever obstacle, it seems we all are indeed “climbing”.

Me? I’m gonna find my way out …. I’m gonna find that “new normal” because I’m going to keep climbing …. it’s all I know to do.

I’m gonna start by getting out of town again. I’m going to head up north and spend a little time in NYC and out on Long Island.

I’m going to attend the Long Island Fire, Rescue and EMS Mega Show on Feb. 23rd / 24th. I’ll be working the booth with my MN8 FoxFire family but I’ll also be doing what I love best … meeting, spending time with and talking to all the Brothers and Sisters in attendance. I think it will be just what I need to get “moving” again …. to “re-engage” and get “back in the game”.

I’ll get ya more details in the next day or so …. until then, thanks again for all the support. Thanks too for allowing me to share all of this with you …. I LOVE YA ALL!

Stay SAFE and in House!

Captain Wines

Posted by on February 18, 2013 • Filed under: administration-leadership, ems-health-safety, ems-topics, fire-rescue-topics, firefighter-safety-health, news, Uncategorized • Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I dont know ….

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I’d like to make this a “regular” Ironfiremen.com post. I’d like to bring ya some controversy, some training thoughts or at least a picture of some half nudity ( I was called the “titty blog” earlier this season you know?). I can’t do that …. not yet …. I’m not “normal” at this point and I’m not sure  I’ll ever be.

I’ve been giving it a lot of thought. I also know that you, my readers and followers; will only follow so much of my “preaching”. I have got to get back to somewhere close to what made you follow the site. It’s difficult to do. I WANT you to continue following  because now I know that I have something very important to tell ya …. I wasn’t always sure of that…. I am now.

We’ve hit most every subject here on Ironfiremen.com over the years. It’s most often a topic around firefighter safety and/or saving our own…. that’s where my heart lies.  To me, there’s not a more important issue to speak about. I’ve spoken of the “typical”  MAYDAY on multiple occasions. As in when a firefighter finds him or herself in danger. Knowing where, when and how to call for help and to not be ashamed of it. We’re getting better at it.

I’ve added to the topic and written about a “personal” mayday in that we also need to call for emotional support. We need somewhere or someplace to “vent”. Someone to tell what’s on our minds. A place to share our emotions and feelings.   The good and the bad. I’m not sure you understood what I was saying at the time but … PLEASE … read em again by hitting the links below….

“A BAD day for Randy gets worse … “ and  “Time for a MAYDAY”

My support following Jack’s suicide has been phenomenal. I’M LUCKY  ! I know that. Not all of you have the “reach” or support group that I’m subjected to. I wish you did …. we ALL deserve it.

Jack’s death has not been easy on me …. it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever encountered. I LOST MY BROTHER!  Dad lost a son!

He killed himself in my dad’s home …. I was there. I seen it. I worry about what dad seen and had to do before I got there. I worry about the brothers and sisters who responded to our home for this type of incident. What they had to see and their knowing that it was “our”  house and family member (Dad and myself).

I knew how to respond … as a first-responder but never thought I’d be there as a brother. Never thought about having to care for dad being there. My wife, my sister, my cousin …. friends and family. This was personal …. it was FAMILY.

I assisted in the arrangements. We took visitors, smiled, hugged and shook hands …. I didn’t want to. It’s what I was taught to do and what needed to be done. I had to “hold it together”. I slept in the basement, just feet from where Jackson slept every night. Feet from where he eventually took his own life. I say I slept but the honest answer is that I laid awake there every night … unable to sleep. Pondering, waiting for him to walk into that room.

Today / tonight is NOT all that different. I re-live those moments (many of which I can not share yet) with every breath. I think of it as “ground hog day” …. it will never end and forever haunt me.

I didn’t think I could but last week, I took a step forward. I returned to duty and I’ve never been so scared in my life!

Within 10 minutes of entering the station, we received a call (run). We were tones for a possible house fire. My mind was racing (for reasons yet divulged) . What would I do? How could I focus on the task at hand when my mind was somewhere so far away? Was I placing my members in danger? Could I make the right decisions? Would I do the right thing?

Luckily, the house was not on fire. The basement had flooded due to the rain and snow, The occupant had several cans of gasoline (and other flammable liquids) stored down there which had overturned due to the high water. The home had gas hot water and heat but luckily, the water level had snuffed out the pilot lights. We secured the utilities, pumped the water and vented the home/ It was an otherwise “routine” run but my mind was in a million places. It could have gone so bad so quickly.

We continued to run that day. One call after another. We caught a 5 vehicle accident involving an ambulance (with a patient on board)  form a neighboring agency  and ended the night with a 2nd alarm at a 1st due 9 story apartment complex. My nerves were shaken to say the least. It wasn’t an easy tour.

How do I talk about it? Who do I tell?

Can I talk to dad about it? About my fears? He retired with 30 years of service and the title of one of the best firefighters on the job. How about my Chief? Which one? Which has REALLY been there? Which would understand? Maybe they’d seize this opportunity to find the reason to get rid of me once and for all? No ….. I couldn’t share any of this with them.

E.A.P (Employee Assistance Program)  …. what do “they” know about what I’ve seen? What I think and / or fear? They aren’t firemen …. they don’t know what we’ve seen …. what we’ve done. I had nowhere to turn. OR SO I THOUGHT.

Brothers and Sisters I’m telling you NOW ….. we DO have somewhere to go … somewhere to turn to … someone who’ll listen. I’m going to start talking about it a lot. I’m going to because I want YOU to know that they are there. THEY …. someone who UNDERSTANDS, and they are there for US!

I’m in a deep, DARK place in my life but I also know that I will pull through. I KNOW I WILL because of the support I have received … the support WE have.

There’s NO SHAME in it. TALK ….. SHARE YOUR FEELINGS. Your pain, sorrow, hurt and even joy. SHARE IT. …. LET IT OUT, it’s therapeutic. TRUST ME.

It doesn’t make us “less” of a fireman … it makes us STRONGER. It makes us BETTER!

I’m getting there … little by little. There’s not a day goes by that I don’t think about or miss Jack.  He was my little brother … I’m supposed to think about him. I was here to take care of him. I may have failed.

I watched the Super Bowl last night … I don’t watch football …. Jackson did. I pulled for the Ravens. They were the “home” team and from what I can tell, the “underdogs” as well. That sums us up  ….(me…you… Jackson) the home team AND the underdogs.

Well, we won. We won yet I’m still here. I’m still lost.

I’ll keep searching till I find what it is I’m looking for. Maybe one day, I’ll share it with you … I’m not ready yet. I’ll keep looking. Digging, scratching. I may never find it but I’ll look. My dad and mom found it …. it came to them … I should be so lucky.

Until then, I’ve realized  that I have chosen to live. I had to. There’s no life without it and unlike Jackson, I realize how many people love, think about and depend on me. I’m in it for the long haul. The Paul Harvey commercial reminded me of that …. we ( I ) have a purpose….

The support I’ve received through this trying time has been overwhelming. The phone calls, e-mails, messages etc. The comments and concern about me and my entire family. What really got me was when they asked about the Buckaroo. How he was doing. Well, the honest answer is that I haven’t been here for him. We haven’t explained whats going on to him. All he knows is that his uncle Jackson is gone to be with Jesus and that his Paw-Paw isn’t around much anymore. It has to be confusing.

That’s another reason to get back into shape. So that my family can get back to “normal” as well. Of course, when I say “my family” I mean you as well. I sold most of my cattle. When I say most, I mean that I still own those that nobody else would buy … my long horns.

That means that the Buckaroo and I still have some obligations to fulfill.  Our animals come first. So for all of you asking ….. THANKS.  It hasn’t been the best of circumstances for him but he’s doing OK. I haven’t been “there” for him but I will be. Here’s a short video of us heading out to feed / water yesterday. I hope you enjoy it.

My other family …. I’ll be reaching back to them as well. Closer to my firehouse family … to the Brotherhood and to my wife and children. It’s ok to need and want to lean on each other in times like these. I know none of you will let me slip … much less fall.

Also please don’t forget to reach out if and when you need someone to talk to, WE ALL DO. Once again I’ll add some links that have been helpful for me … USE THEM.

Grief.com,   Recover from Grief.com , The Sweeney Alliance,Firefighter Behavioral Health Alliance, North American Firefighter Veteran Network

I’m back on duty tomorrow and will update ya as soon as possible …. THANKS again for the support!!!

Stay SAFE and in House!

Captain Wines

 

 

Posted by on February 4, 2013 • Filed under: administration-leadership, command-leadership, ems-health-safety, fire-rescue-topics, firefighter-safety-health, news, Uncategorized • Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Melt Down

6 comments

It’s been one month since my brother (Jack) choose to take his own life on December 30th.

I wrote about some of the effects it had on me over the past few weeks in two posts… read “Searching for a new normal” and “A Firefighter’s Boots”.

Writing those posts proved to be very therapeutic for me. The support I received following the “Boot” post was nothing short of amazing. Thanks to a simple idea and photo from a good friend and fellow Firefighter, Nate Camfiord;  pictures of firefighter’s boots from all over the world began to fill my mail boxes. It was very humbling and I can’t say THANK YOU enough.

I had decided to return to duty on the following Sunday (Jan. 20th) but, due to Departmental policy; wasn’t able to. It’s a good thing though because I wasn’t ready … I’m not 100% sure that I am now but I’m trying.

I got released for duty last week but decided to go ahead and take some previously scheduled vacation time.

I had scheduled these dates back at vacation sign-ups to travel to Florida with Zach Green and my MN8 FoxFire family  but, after Jack’s death; I told Zach that I would not be able to make the trip.

He understood, said it wasn’t a problem and for me not to worry. In a later conversation, he made me a great offer. He said “come to Florida anyway” … not to work but to “get away” for a bit. A change of scenery. Some time to “clear my mind” and rest. It was something I felt I needed but didn’t want to leave my dad. Well guess what …. dad went too.

We left the cold and snow behind to find sunny skies and 80 degree temperatures in Daytona. That’s the 1st “melt down” I’ve encountered lately.

I ended up putting my boots and Bunker Kilt on to help Zach and the team at Fire-Rescue East 2013. I just couldn’t lay by the beach / pool all day knowing they were working their butts off due to being short staffed.

I was glad I did. I met some great folks down there. He had some fantastic conversations. There were plenty of hand shakes, hugs, kisses. Some of us even cried together. It was very emotional for me but again … something I needed.

I got home and decided to attend another function I had cancelled following Jack’s death. The Lexington Fire Department (Va) is where dad began his service in the Fire Department and I had been invited to speak at their annual awards banquet and dinner (a huge honor for me).

Like Zach, Chief Ty Dickerson understood back when I told him I didn’t think I could make it. The worst part about it was that he didn’t have time to get a replacement. He too told me  ”don’t worry about it”.

Well, I made the dinner and I spoke. I’m not even sure what I said but I got up there. There were so many things I wanted to say. So many topics. So much that needed (and needs) to be said and I missed em all. Everyone came up afterwards to shake my hand and thank me for the speech.  Some called it motivational and empowering. Maybe it wasn’t as bad as I thought.

My mind has been going in a hundred different directions, at a hundred miles an hour and, most of the time these past 30 days; I’m not even sure I knew where I was.

I can’t think straight. I still feel like I’ve been kicked in the gut. My stomach is in a knot and I can hardly eat.

All the talks, my writing, putting my boots on and getting back “out there” wasn’t the cure….

THERE IS NO CURE. 

Don’t get me wrong when I say it’s not the cure because IT IS HELPING. Opening up, talking and sharing my grief is what has been the most therapeutic. It’s also the part I feared the most.

I’ve never been good at it and it’s always been “taboo” in the Fire Service anyway. It’s time for all of that to CHANGE. We (firefighters) are HUMAN. We have feelings and we  can “hurt”. That’s the part we need to learn … that it’s “ok” . It’s “ok” to have and show emotion. We need to learn how to deal with emotion and stress in a more healthy manner. After (or while) I learn, I’ll share it with you.

Last night, I had a melt down … a big one.

My mom and sister were staying with me here at the house. We, along with my daughter and wife; were having a discussion. We were talking about Jack’s death and many of the surrounding issues. I became very emotional and they (my emotions) began to pour out of me. I say “they” because there are several  …. one of them being anger.

Yes, feeling ANGER is one of the “stages” of the grieving process and I have plenty of it.

Regretfully, I let it out last night… I couldn’t stop it … I wish I had.

I’ve been talking to folks about some of my fears and other feelings but I haven’t shared my anger with anyone yet. I’ve been hiding it and that was a mistake. It should have come out in a different setting. In a different manner.

I’m sure they felt my anger was directed toward them … IT WASN’T.

It’s Jack I’m mad at … at Jack and myself and for many reasons.

Feeling anger is just one of the steps (stages or phases) of the grieving process. Depending on who you talk to, there are 5 to 7. The most important thing to keep in mind is that we all grieve differently and there is no prescribed order to the process.   “Our grief is as individual as our lives”.

From what I’ve learned, the stages are as follows …

  • Denial
  • Anger
  • Bargaining
  • Depression
  • Acceptance
  • Pain and Guilt
  • Reconstruction

You can learn more about the “Stages of Grief ” at the following web sites ….

Grief.com,   Recover from Grief.com , The Sweeney Alliance, Firefighter Behavioral Health Alliance, North American Firefighter Veteran Network

Everything I’ve done to this point are just small steps on my way to recovery … to my “new normal”. I will NEVER be “the same” again but I will learn to be happy. I’ll learn to survive and function without my little brother but it’s gonna take some time. I know that.

Tomorrow morning, I will report for full duty. It’s going to be a difficult tour for me but, my brothers and sisters will be there to help me along and they wont let me fall. In return, I’ll be there for them. They’re grieving too and together, we’re gonna get through this.

THANKS AGAIN for all the support (calls, comments, e-mails etc)!

Stay SAFE and in House!

Captain Wines

Posted by on January 30, 2013 • Filed under: ems-health-safety, fire-rescue-topics, firefighter-safety-health, news, Uncategorized • Tagged: , , , , , , , ,

Home Again!

2 comments

Back safe, sound and somewhat relaxed. I know I had a few of ya wondering with my last post … ok it was more of a “rant” than a post. Don’t panic … I’ve just been a little stressed here lately. That and if ya can’t tell; I am passionate about what who I am and what I do. I can’t really even call it “a job” because the Fire Department is part of me … it’s who and what I am.

Things aren’t always easy … we get frustrated … we get mad. Unfortunately, I’m kinda of the “old school” type and try to file it away somewhere. Every now and again, the files spring open up and the vent process ensues.

Thanks for hanging with me through the last few posts / weeks. Hopefully things will get back to somewhat of a “normal” state from this point.

Ok, even though my last post was a “rant” …. it also held a lot of truth. For whatever reason, we are “counting backwards” in today’s fire service. The post received several “comments” etc. but one didn’t make it to the site. Captain Craig Sellers was unable to post his comment so he sent it via E-mail … I’ll share that comment with you now …

“What happened to the leave a comment box? Not all of us are facebook people! You are exactly right about the shift in how people view their years of service in the Fire Service. Used to be a time when we were proud to share with anyone how long we have been on the job. Now we are looking at how much time until we can leave. When I took this job I knew It wouldn’t make me rich. But, going year after year without a raise, having privileges taken away, and an ever increasing work load, it makes it really hard to be upbeat and positive thinking all the time. I am very proud to say that I have 29 years 3 months and 8 days on the job. Only have 8 months and 19 days until I reach my 30 year mark (but who’s counting). So you don’t have to do the math, the special day is Nov. 16, 2011. I love “riding the big red truck”, but the associated BS that comes with it wears on you.

Craig Sellers”

I enjoy getting comments from you guys … good or bad.  That’s why most of us write. We want a “reaction”. We want to know what you’re thinking and how you “feel” about “this or that”.  I’d like to thank you all once again for not only reading and following but for also taking the time (your time) to leave and post a comment.

Ok, so I’ve been to “sunny Florida”. I was scheduled for duty yesterday (Friday) and need to thank my “little buddy” Rhett for covering the shift (I hope they had a quiet one).

I mention all the time about how most every firefighter works a 2nd job. We have to do it to make ends meet. I’m kinda a “jack of all trades” if you will. In addition to farming, I’ve done a little of everything to earn a buck  (the prostitution thing didn’t work out … I had to pay the “customers” and that kinda defeated the purpose … LOL). If I’m not welding or fabricating something, most likely I’m driving … or “hauling”.

This weekend, I was hauling “Royality” …. Bluegrass royality.  My dad and I have both drove charter or private busses on and off  for the past 20 years (Pop even longer than that).  My Uncle (on my Mom’s side) is in a band … not just any band mind ya … an AWARD WINNING band.

The band is called …  NOTHIN FANCY (find, friend and follow them on Face Book as well … click  “HERE” )

They are not only family, they are also a GREAT bunch of guys. Pop and I tag teamed a ride from Lexington, Va to Waldo Fla. this weekend. We left out Thursday at 13:00 and pulled into our destination at Midnight. We enjoyed a day of high 70′s and low 80 degree weather on Friday until the fellas preformed 2 shows Friday night. At midnight, we headed home … the boys had to be in Harrisonburg, Va. at 15:00 today for yet another show.

It was a long ride and a hard drive but it all seemed easy concidering the company I was in. Pop and I haven’t done a “together” trip in  years and it fit like an “old shoe” slidding back into that assignment … we work well together … I musta taught him well …LOL.

The boys on the bus also made it fun. Cards, jokes, stories and lots of “jam sessions”.  OMG these guys are good. No wonder they won the  SPBGMA  Entertaining Group of the Year Award for 2008, 2009 and 2010! See their complete Bio   “HERE” .

Mike Andes is the lead singer of the group and he also writes many of the songs they play and record. They have several that I call  my   “favorites”.  They worked on a new song all the way to Florida and I can tell ya … it’ll be a #1 HIT !  I can’t put it here yet or even release the title but I will as soon as I can. I will give ya a little ‘youtube” version of one of my favorites .. “Heaven Got an Angel”

We called this trip the “big yellow bus tour” for obvious reasons….. yea …. it’s really THAT yellow.

I bet you can imagine the “looks” we get … both going down the road and after we get off the bus.

Who would have ever thought that such a small group of guys from Buena Vista, Va. would or could make such an impact.

One of the biggest “impacts” they made was on me.

As in most cases … just when you’re NOT expecting it … you learn something. For me, it was ANOTHER life lesson.

The first lesson goes towards me and Pop being back together in a “work” environment.  I wish I had paid a little more attention to him along the way ….  He kinda “insisted” I take this trip. I couldn’t figure it out but HE KNEW.

He follows my site and knew “where” I was emotionally. Now, I get my “file it in the back of your mind” system from him so as you can imagine … we don’t talk much about the job, our emotions or their effects on us as men. Some how or another, Pop knew I needed a break and wanted me by his side. I couldn’t understand why he couldn’t do an 11 hr drive by himself but when Pop asks in the way he did … I knew I was going to Florida.

We never spoke of “whats on you mind” or “how are things at work” but but we both knew why we were together. Without a word, it put me at ease … back to a “comfort zone”. I’ll post more on Pop and I and our Father / Son relationship in the future but for now, just know that my dad was there, stepped in and straightened me out without even saying a word.

Another lesson I learned was from the band and Mike in particular. The guys were “jamming” … practicing … playing. Rehearsing new tunes. They would play it and they stop abruptly. Should “so and so” sing that line in “this” tone? They would change the “pitch” of one singer to get “the message” across. This note HAD to played in “this” cord to project a message. mikes songs are poetry to music. He is telling a story and they guys want to make sure that the story is told correctly.

The care about the message their fans and listeners receive!  WOW!

It amazed me how subtle changes in their playing or singing affected the message. What was even more amazing was the fact that they actually took the time to know, understand and adapt to these changes!  They care about their job. They care about the END RESULT just as we do.

Their work made me think back to how I too care about the end result. About making my customers happy. It’s easy to forget the “little things” but it’s also the little things that make something small  HUGE.

It was a good trip and I’m thankful to have been able to make it. Thanks again to Rhett for covering my shift, to Pop for making me go and to Nothin Fancy for bringing me back down to earth.

Ok, moving on and for those of you wondering about the Buckaroo … NO … he didn’t miss out on ANYTHING. He was our main driver.

Alright … I’m back to duty tomorrow and Tuesday but tomorrow is also another BIG day.

Tomorrow is “Media Day” for The Roanoke Rampage Public Safety Football Team.

We will be at our home field … Salem memorial Stadium @ 13:30 hrs for team pics, mock practice etc.

YOU GUYS ARE WELCOME AND INVITED!

Come out and meet the team …. this will be a chance for you to get some pics and meet the guys one on one. Last years event was a huge success and this year should be no different. Hell, even plan on tail gating … make an evening of it. WE NEED YOUR SUPPORT!

Don’t forget our Gun Raffle Tickets. Contact me here to purchase yours for only $10.00

I’ll snap a few shots tomorrow and check back in as soon as I can … no kidding … come on out … it’ll be a good time.

Until I get back … thanks again for sticking with me. For reading, following and leaving comments. Stay safe and in house!

Captain Wines

Posted by on February 26, 2011 • Filed under: administration-leadership, firefighter-safety-health, news, Uncategorized • Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,