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Climbing out ….

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The good news is that I’m back in my “boots”. I’m back in bunker gear and pulling regular tours.

The bad news is that I’m still not 100% and I know I never will be again. I’m still working through the grieving process and searching for my “new normal” (read my previous post “Searching for a New Normal” by clicking HERE) .

In another previous post (“Melt Down”) , I told ya about the “stages of grief” and how grief is as individual as the person suffering through it. We don’t necessarily go through the stages in order and by no means in the same way.

I’m currently working through the “depression” stage (and, I believe; suffering through PTSD).

I was expecting it but have never fully understood exactly what “depression” was. I’m learning the hard way.

My thoughts continue to wonder with every waking moment and it’s difficult for me to focus.

I still can’t eat. I just don’t have an appetite … I’m  not hungry. When I try to force myself to eat, I throw it back up so I figure why bother.

I’m sleeping some at night now but I’m not REALLY “sleeping”. I’m tired all the time and can’t motivate myself to get out and do anything. I try to make myself go “somewhere” or do “something” but I don’t. I know I need to.

I haven’t even been able to write (evident in my recent lack of postings and absence from Face Book).

I’m not getting along well with others … I just want to be alone.

All these things seem so petty and easy to fix but they’re not.

That’s the hardest part for me. I know what’s happening and what I need to do ….. I just can’t muster the energy or motivation to get it done.

I have to start climbing my way out of this hole … I thought I have been but it doesn’t feel like I’m making much progress. I can’t stay here (like this) forever.

One of the folks I’ve been seeing offered a prescription for anti-depressants. It’s not for me. There’s a small part of me that almost took her up on it just so I could learn for myself (and share with you folks) if they (the pills) “really” work or not. Unfortunately,  I’m not the “pill” taking kind ( I hardly even even take an aspirin) so I won’t be able to tell you “first hand” about anti-depressants. I can tell you that depression is REAL . It’s an illness that can be crippling.

I see a lot of it in the firehouse for one reason or another. Not just in situations like mine (the loss of a loved one) but also over financial issues, marital problems etc. If you want to learn more about depression and take your “Depression IQ quiz”, take a minute and CLICK HERE .

The best thing for me has been talking about it. Getting “it” out of my head and off my chest. I’ve wrote about them a lot here lately but once again, I want to share with you some folks who you CAN TALK TO. People who understand and that do MAKE A DIFFERENCE.

These folks are not just for you or me either. They are there for our Brothers and Sisters as well and it’s up to us to let them know that help is available. PAY ATTENTION … look around you. If someone in your company, your Battalion, Department or whatever is needing help, point them in this direction. You know … firefighter “so and so” whos wife just left him. Ol “what’s his name” from Engine whatever who just took a 3rd mortgage out because he lost his 2nd job.  That S.O.B on the Ladder who we all know has been drinking too much …. all these Brothers have someone to turn to. Let them know before it’s too late. Here are the links ….

Grief.com,   Recover from Grief.com , The Sweeney Alliance,Firefighter Behavioral Health Alliance, North American Firefighter Veteran Network

I had a bad day yesterday. Like most everyday, there’s always something that will remind me of Jackson.

I pulled a tour Saturday (we work 24hr shifts) and when I got home yesterday morning, the Buckaroo was waiting for me. It was 8am , he missed his “Paw-Paw” and wanted to play.

He got his motorcycle toy out. It’s like the old Evil Knievel wind up toy. If you’re a boy and anywhere near my age (44), I’d bet you had one.

I showed him how to use some books / magazines to make a ramp so we could make some jumps down the hallway. It was just how me and Jack did it when we were kids.

I could see us like it was just yesterday. Then the thought hit me (as it always does in situations like this) …. I wanted to call Jackson and tell him what we were doing. He would LOVE it! Knowing that me and the Buckaroo were doing exactly what he and I did as kids. I know he’d remember our ramps … our jumps…. fighting over who went next…. he’d understand and know EXACTLY what we were feeling / doing. He’d have that unforgettable smile on his face just thinking about it.

I’ll never get to make “those” calls again … not to Jackson and it’s killing me. This grief … the depression…. it keeps knocking me down but I won’t let it keep me here.

Like I said in the beginning of this post, I have to start climbing my way out of this hole.

“CLIMBING”…… Seems I wrote about that one time …. back in July of 2011 actually in a post titled “We are all Climbing” (Take the time to hit the link and read that post … I think you’ll find it worthwhile). Stairs,  ladders or whatever obstacle, it seems we all are indeed “climbing”.

Me? I’m gonna find my way out …. I’m gonna find that “new normal” because I’m going to keep climbing …. it’s all I know to do.

I’m gonna start by getting out of town again. I’m going to head up north and spend a little time in NYC and out on Long Island.

I’m going to attend the Long Island Fire, Rescue and EMS Mega Show on Feb. 23rd / 24th. I’ll be working the booth with my MN8 FoxFire family but I’ll also be doing what I love best … meeting, spending time with and talking to all the Brothers and Sisters in attendance. I think it will be just what I need to get “moving” again …. to “re-engage” and get “back in the game”.

I’ll get ya more details in the next day or so …. until then, thanks again for all the support. Thanks too for allowing me to share all of this with you …. I LOVE YA ALL!

Stay SAFE and in House!

Captain Wines

Posted by on February 18, 2013 • Filed under: administration-leadership, ems-health-safety, ems-topics, fire-rescue-topics, firefighter-safety-health, news, Uncategorized • Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I cried ….

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I know …I know … I’m a fireman. Well guess what ??? Firemen are HUMAN … we have feelings and emotion. Most of the time, we are able to set them aside, to hide them from our friends, family and the public. I haven’t been doing such a good job of that here lately and for good reason.

Although I have NEVER FORGOTTEN, the 10th Anniversary of the 9/11 attacks on our freedom has hit me harder than I had anticipated. Again, this happened for many reasons. I think of those 343 EVERY DAY. When I say that, I mean EVERY DAY. Especially on the days that I’m pulling a tour but those guys and the events of that day cross my mind DAILY.

I feel a sense on HONOR and PRIDE for those brave men who in a way, validated my job  life . I AM a fireman and from that, I can not hide. I was raised in a fireman’s home. I watched dad go to work for 24 hours at a time. He missed ball games, dances etc and at that age, I never really understood why.

I wish I could say that I’ve matured … I haven’t. That said, without a doubt; I’ve aged.  Now, I too am a fireman who has missed just as many games, dances and events. Like my father, and those 343;  I have devoted my life’s work to those I have never even met. Because of that, our families have suffered. I wish they hadn’t.

It’s actually  very ironic when you think about it. We depend on the “BROTHERHOOD” to make it back to our families, yet it is that same brotherhood that most often keeps us away. There is always a member needing help painting the baby’s room or building a new deck. After a bad tour we always end up out together for a few beers and an egg sandwich. This trip or that, this conference or another or trading time / working for this brother or the other.

I wonder if I could trade places with any of those 343 if they would come back to be better fathers, brothers, sons or husbands. It pains me that even today, after all this; that I am not. I don’t know how to separate the two … home and the job. I will say that those 343 have inspired me to do so. Every day could be my last and I’m not so sure that simply being a “good fireman” is enough anymore.

Today, I’m a much better grandfather than I ever was a father. I’m a better husband, son and person as a whole. That doesn’t absolve me of my wrongs in the past but those 343 and the events of that day have me on the right path. I hope they know how much positive has come from their sacrifice. I hope their families know that if even in the smallest of ways … some good has come from their loss.

So yes, I CRY. I cry because it took the death of 343 of my brothers for me to understand that there is more to this job than putting out fires. There is more to the meaning of  the word “BROTHERHOOD” than painting someone’s basement, building a deck or drinking a few beers. I cry because better men than I lost their lives that day.

My tears were multiplied this weekend. It’s a long story so hang with me. By now, you all know that Rhett and I have participated in the 9/11 Memorial Stair Climbs. THIS IS NO EASY TASK.  Rhett and I have always done the climbs in turnout gear vs shorts, tennis shoes and tee-shirts because thats as close as we could come to what those 343 had on that day ( most stair climb rules / regulations specifically say no SCBA, hose or tools despite a lot of that showing up this past weekend).  If nothing else, we wanted to experience a part of what they did that day. WE’VE ACCOMPLISHED THAT AND MORE ! 

Before this weekend, we’ve completed two climbs … one in Baltimore, the other in Atlanta. Greenbelt, Md would be our 3rd and it would come on September 11th … the 10th anniversary.

Rhett is my best friend. Although he is younger, I look up to him in many ways. Not only is he a good fireman, he is also a great father, husband and member of his community. I hope I learn and grow to be half the man he is.

Although I don’t show it, we share a lot of the same values and principles. We think alike. The climbs have always been “spiritual” for us. We’ve climbed for the 343, for those left behind,  for our families and ourselves.

See related posts  HERE   HERE    HERE   and Rhett’s best post ever   HERE

This climb would be different in many ways. One of the things that “hit us” in our previous climbs was the fact that we’ve never had 343 climbers. We understood the hesitation to participate but would never have imagined that less than 343 would register. We too were nervous. Our names and faces are “out there” . What if we couldn’t make it? We knew we had the heart … but what about the legs? Come to find out, it was  (and is) never really about completing the climb. We’ve said from day one that if you want to climb and are at the same event as we are, we’ll walk WITH YOU … no matter how long it takes. We wanted to finish the 110 stories that our brothers weren’t allowed to but after the 1st climb realized that just being in those stairwells was enough … like them, we SHOWED UP!

Although it shouldn’t be needed, we wanted a way to draw and thank the participants. We contacted our good friend and Brother Zach Green from FoxFire …an MN8 Company. You have seen Zach and the FoxFire products many times here on this site as well as over on FireCritic. They offer a GREAT product that is the biggest innovation that I’ve seen in the fire service in the past 20 yrs. ….IT’S THAT GOOD!

Anyway, we told Zach … you have to give us 343 Illuminating Helmet Bands to pass out at the climb. He was on board from the get- go ! Not only did he send the bands, he had some special made. This Limited Edition band has the FoxFire logo in the color orange. Not only that, Zach also hand numbered each one to be 1-343 “of” 343 !  HOW AWESOME IS THAT ?!?  Zach couldn’t attend the Greenbelt climb in person but was there in spirit. We assured him that every climber would receive one …. they did.  Rhett and I had the honor of presenting the bands to the organizers and NFFF staff on the morning of the climb …. I cried again.  If these bands save only 1 fireman’s life …. it was WORTH IT and I am proud to have been a part of it. Special THANKS to Zach and FoxFire for all they do to keep us alive!

So, we had secured the bands and Zach wanted to know which hotel we would be staying at so he could ship them down. Hummmmm …. hotel? Another GREAT friend of ours, the Foundation (NFFF) and the Fire Service as a whole; DAVE STATTER  knew we were headed up and made a call. We were gonna stay at Dave’s house …. no “if’s, and’s or but’s ” about it. Yea … the FireCritic, Statter911 and Ironfiremen.com under the same roof !  COOL !

Actually, that was a huge gesture and example of brotherhood shown by Dave and his family. Come to think of it, Dave is the reason that we were in Greenbelt to climb in the first place. Back at Firehouse Expo in Baltimore, Dave Hillary took a group of us out to an O’s game. Basically, it was some big name Chiefs, some bigger name PIO’s, with me and Rhett thrown in to pass the beer and Cracker Jacks down the isles…LOL. All kidding aside, PG County’s Fire Chief  Mark Bashoor was there and sat next to us. We had a great conversation and he invited us up for the Greenbelt climb. How could we refuse ? If Chief Bashoor wanted us in Md, that’s where we would be!

This was a HUGE gesture on Rhett’s part that not many (other than me) know or will understand. We had been planning all along to climb in Richmond. Richmond is special to Rhett. He worked and lived there before moving to Roanoke. When the Chief extended his invitation, Rhett never said a word or hesitated … we graciously and humbly accepted.

The other thing is that  Statter  didn’t just open his home to me and Rhett … we had others traveling with us as well. Rhett would bring is 8yr old son Preston while my dad and step-mother would accompany me. Special THANKS to Dave, Hillary and Sam for allowing us to share their home!

So I’m getting ahead of myself here …. the 5 of us load into Rhett’s mini-van and head north. Greenbelt, Md … our 3rd memorial Stair Climb! Pop was driving, I was mixing and Rhett was drinking. This was going to be a good trip!

On the way to Statter’s mansion, we took a quick detour into one of Fairfax City’s Fire Stations. It was Saturday and we all knew what guests on a weekend are like so we kept our visit short.

The guys made us feel at home and even said they followed our sites … COOL ! Dad … it was like he had never even retired … I think he was already enjoying the trip. A great stop …. THANKS GUYS !

We made it to Statter’s and got busy. We had 343 envelopes to stuff with the Limited Edition Helmet Bands. EVERYONE went to work and Robyn and Hillary had us organized and ready to go in no time. The rest of the evening was spent over drinks, a great meal and conversation among friends.

We awoke early to head out for the Maryland Trade Center.

The part that I haven’t mentioned yet is the fact that dad was along to make the climb with us!  YEA… HE WAS GOING TO CLIMB !  There are a thousand reasons why I wanted dad with me this day. We had spent the day and days after September 11, 2001 together, glued to the TV. We shared in the horrors that unfolded as only a father and son on the job can. We didn’t speak out loud much but neither had to. Some of my most graphic memories from that day involve being with my father. I needed him then and would again 10 yrs later.

I was worried about asking. I didn’t know how he would feel or if he would even able to make a climb. I didn’t even get the words out before he said he was comming! The local paper even did an interview … see that article  HERE .

I said earlier that for me and Rhett, these climbs are spiritual. Often times, if a group is talking or cheering behind us in the stairwell; we’ll slow to allow them to pass. We climb in silence … remembering and honoring those who climbed before us. For us, it’s more about reflection than achieving a goal…. it’s a memorial.  My dad being there with me would take me to a much higher level. I wept with PRIDE.

I was HONORED to climb with the men of group #7 in Greenbelt, Md ! Obviously my dad.  Rhett goes without saying as well … it was our 3rd. My GREAT friend and Brother from Salem Fire/EMS, Captain Kevin Totten joined us for the 2nd time. Kevin also climbed Baltimore with us. Tommy Warshaw (who also made the Baltimore climb but wasn’t in our group) and Bill Carey from Back Step Firefighter .  We ended up with a 7th member … Rhett’s son Preston!

For me and Rhett, these climbs seem to work in the opposite direction … each one has gotten  more difficult. Greenbelt was to be my hardest of all. I was injured. I don’t say this as making an excuse or whining but I was HURT. I had pulled my back in a freak incident on Friday while out with my dad. I could hardly walk. I think it added to dad’s stress because he did everything in his power to have me sit this one out. He even offered it as in he would climb “in my place”. YOU JUST CAN’T DO THAT ! Otherwise, I wouldn’t be here to type this post … I would have taken someone’s “place” back in 2001.

Preston made about 80 floors! I was the “weak link” in the group. We were making left hand turns in the stairs and that was the worst case scenario for my back. We had to stop briefly 3 times. Kevin and Bill actually assisted me for several stories. Dad knew I was hurting … he wanted me to drop my gear. At one point, I took my coat off for about 5 stories and he carried it …. I cried again.

I will never forget that image of my dad carrying my coat so that I could finish the climb … so we could finish it together! I will also never forget Tottin scooping me under his arms and telling me “lean on me … I gotcha”. THAT’S WHAT THESE CLIMBS ARE ALL ABOUT!

Of course I never doubted the heart of ANY of our members but was humbled to share in their sacrifice. He were ALL HURTING but some took on more. 

I cried as we walked in the door for our first assent. Dad lead the way for the entire 110 stories. I followed humbled once again by the example he has set. “Pop” (as I call him) has been retired for 8 years now. He doesn’t visit stations much … they’ve all changed. Yet, he came out of retirement, with no conditioning; for this! I don’t think he even broke a sweat. THAT’S MY DAD !

After our climb, Pop wanted to take the Buckaroo in. My wife (Donna) and daughters (Randi and Reba) drove up to watch and cheer us on. Obviously, the Buckaroo was with them (I think he even drove…lol).

That was another time I cried. When we came down and I seen my “girls” and the Buckaroo standing there, I was overcome with emotion. After all they have suffered and sacrificed through, because of my being on the job; they continue to love and support me!

Click here for a post with an AWESOME e-mail from my daughter concerning the climbs and the job!

Pop and I took the Buckaroo  up the elevators and got off 1 floor below the top.

Both of us were already spent but this was something we wanted and needed to do.

Dad carried the Buckaroo that entire story. The Buckaroo never spoke a word. I’m sure he didn’t know what or why we were doing this but also know that he must have known that it was for some special reason.

That made 3 generations of the Wines family in that stairwell, 10 years to the day after the attacks. I’m sure the Buckaroo will learn of those events once he begins school but I also know that he will learn a much different and more personal perspective from us.

I hope that is the only stairs the little fella will have to climb. I also know it wont be.

Like I’ve said before, we are all climbing in one sense or another.

The comfort is knowing that we aren’t climbing alone. I received several phone calls and text messages that morning to thanks us and wish us well. I carried their thoughts and wishes as we climbed.

If you participated in a 9/11 Memorial Stair Climb .. THANK YOU and congratulations!

I hope you found what you were searching for …. I know I have.

 Captain Wines

Posted by on September 13, 2011 • Filed under: fire-rescue-topics, firefighting-operations, in-the-line-of-duty, line-of-duty, news, Uncategorized • Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Looking back On Baltimore. Firehouse Expo 2011

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WHAT A WEEK!

You should all know by now that Rhett (Fire Critic), Kevin Totten (Salem Fire/EMS) and I spent the better part of last week in Baltimore, Md at Firehouse Expo 2011.

We had a GREAT time surrounded by friends, fans and Brother and Sister firefighters from across the Country.

Rhett and travel a lot together but this trip in particular had several objectives.

I think our main objective was to participate in and complete the 9/11 Memorial Stair Climb. WE DID !

It was one of the proudest moments of my life.  A highlight of my career.  I’m still emotional about the experience and will never forget what I found in that stairway. If you haven’t, read my post following the climb  HERE  . Rhett also posted of his feelings following the climb. I think it’s his best post ever. If you’re on the job and can read it with dry eyes, you’re tougher than me. Read that post over on Fire Critic  HERE .

Another objective of our trip was working with Firefighter Netcast.

I have been working with / helping Rhett and John Mitchel  for some time now. We always have a good time and get to hear some  great discussions / interviews.

Turns out, I didn’t get to do much work for Firefighter Netcast this go round. Our good friend Zach Green from Fox Fire / MN 8 Products  found himself in a tight spot.

At the last minute, his  ”Illuminating Goddess”  and sales gal couldn’t make the trip. Rhett and John had things well under control in our booth so I moved across the isle to lend Zach a hand. WOW ! We were non-stop every day of Expo. I’m not sure how much we sold over the 3 days of exhibits but we did well. Someone said that I could sell ice cream to an Eskimo. I’m not so sure about that but I will say that selling Fox Fire is easy … it sells itself. All good products do.

It also helps that I use and believe in the Fox Fire products. I wear the helmet band and have the tools on our rig pained or wrapped. I didn’t have a  ”sales pitch” … it was a testimonial from a fireman who uses the product. See my previous FOX FIRE  PRODUCT REVIEW .

Zach was very thankful for the help.

See Zach’s take on the 2011 Firehouse Expo HERE . 

We (Zach, Rhett and I) always hang out together on these trips but this time, he took it up a notch!

He wanted to celebrate our success over dinner. Not just any dinner mind you … he wanted the best steak in town and a bottle of champagne.

Mortons Steakhouse!  Talk about classy … WOW. It was one of those places where you had 4 or five forks to choose from. It must be one of those  ADA things because our first course was seafood and Rhett used the little baby fork. I seen a big dude across the way using the big fork so I just went middle of the road.

I ate things I cant even pronounce. The appitizers were more than a meal but the food kept comming. The steak ??? UNBELIVABLE !!  I think they may have been a little worried about their wine storage because they wanted you to smell it before you drank it but anyway, it was a GREAT meal even better company … THANKS  Zach!

A 3rd objective on our trip involved Rhett and partner Jeff Harkey unveiling their new company .. Daily 911 Deals.com

This is going to be HUGE !

It’s basically a collective purchasing site for Fire, EMS and Police!

Rhett has the full details over on the Fire Critic  … CLICK HERE .

So, as you can tell; there is a ton of work to be done while we’re on these trips. We spend all day on our feet (concrete floors)  selling, talking and networking with folks.

Like Zach, Rhett and Jeff left Baltimore with a smile on their face.

We had a good week on the floor. And yea … they’re my friends but I also now a good deal when I see it. Be sure to hit the link above and register for the Daily 911 Deals … it will save ya money on some great products!

So, that was a look at the work end of the trip but with me and Rhett, you know there was  a little play involved as well. Play on the side and some fun rolled into the work as well.

Obviously, we met and spoke with hundreds if not thousands of people this week. The really cool thing is that several of them actually came up to us in the booth and introduced themselves as readers / fans of the site!   WOW !  I always joke and say “so you’re the one” but, in all honesty; I’m honored and humbled every time it happens. I was so busy in the booth that I didn’t have the chance to get a shot with every one of them but here are a few …..

I know you hear people saying it all the time but you guys .. the readers / fans REALLY are the ones who make this site a success. Thanks to all of you for the following and continued support. Special thanks to all the readers who took the time to drop by the booth to say hello and offer a hand shake … it was MY honor.

Beyond the fans, I also had the privilege of meeting a few folks I have wanted to for some time as well as the chance to get together with old friends that I truly respect and admire. Here are a few shots ….

If ya didn’t hit the pics for descriptions etc. the top photo his of me and Captain Liam Flaherty of FDNY’s Rescue 2. The center pic is me with Fire Geezer .. we had never actually met until this show. The last pic is me with the author of the book They Come In Threes  Dave Houseal. As soon as I’m done with the read .. I’ll have a review of the book for ya.

We also caught up with some old friends and fans at the Fire / EMS Blog Network “Meet-up” at Uno’s restaurant. Big Nick, Little Nick, Mike Ward, Bill Carey and many others were in attendance.

Thanks to Dave Iannone, Chris Herbert, their crew from Go Forward Media and Wall Shields for sponsoring the event .. I’m the one in the cowboy hat … Statter is the one taller than Rhett..LOL

Oh yea … Statter was there as well. Dave does a TON of work for the National Fallen Firefighter’s Foundation and played an intrigul role in the stair climb.

Firefighter Netcast was actually set up in the Statter and Fire Geezer booth.

Rhett, Firefighter Netcast and I try to help Dave as much and often as possible. We spend a lot of time together on these trips. Despite all the fun back and forth on our sites, we are actually all  good friends and always have a blast.

Dave teamed up with Go Forward Media and invited a group of us out for dinner Saturday night following the Expo…. Maryland Blue Crab and cold beer! Afterwards, Dave treated us all to an Orioles game … here are a few shots …

YEA … That’s the Fire Critic and Dave Statter in bibs !

I have several more pictures and a few good stories to share but they’ll have to wait until tomorrow. The best news about the trip was that we all made it home safe and the Buckaroo was on the porch waiting for me when I pulled in. Today has been busy catching up on the farm … we have a busy day tomorrow as well but I’ll try to check back in.

Until I get back to ya … Stay Safe and in House!

Captain Wines

Posted by on July 25, 2011 • Filed under: fire-rescue-topics, news, Uncategorized • Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The climb…

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We did it!

I’m still so proud and in a state of mind that I’m not sure if I can even post about it yet.

All of you folks know that Kevin Totten (Salem Fire/EMS), Rhett Fleitz (Fire Critic) and I have been here in Baltimore for the past few days for Firehouse Expo 2011. You also know that we participated in the 9/11 memorial stair climb. 110 stories in full PPE in honor and memory of our 343 fallen brothers from the FDNY.

The event was a huge success and I am proud to have been a part of it!

 Following 9/11, these climbs have been going on across the Country for some time now but I believe that this particular event had the largest number of participants to date. Obviously, the goal is to have 343 members climbing and we reached the mark of 323 here in Baltimore!

Kevin, Rhett and I were in group #19.

I’ve been emotional the entire time. Emotional as in I can’t even talk about it without getting choked up.

Dave Statter and I talked about it. I remembered back to when he had us ( Firefighter Netcast … Rhett, John Mitchel and I ) up to Emmitsburg, Md for the National Fallen Firefighters Memorial Weekend.

Dave, his wife Hillary and I spoke of being on the Memorial grounds. They both spoke passionately of how the experience there would be  almost “spiritual”. I didn’t understand it at the time but would soon learn how true and accurate  their description was.  At that time in my life, I hadn’t experienced something truly “spiritual”  for a while. I did that weekend.

The experience left me wondering if I would even return to “that place” again. Return not Emmitsburg, but that emotional place I had found while there.

I found it again here in Baltimore! 

I’m not even sure “spiritual” explains it. I was  scared.  Nervous…excited, anxious and apprehensive.  What if I couldn’t make it? I knew (or thought) I had the heart but what if I didn’t have the legs? My thoughts went to those 343 …. did they have the same thoughts? Either way, they had a job to do so they went up…. I did too.

The climb was hard. I knew it would be but I also knew that it was 10 times harder for those  Brothers who lost their lives that day climbing in the World Trade Centers.

I spoke with the group and we formed a rank structure. I was to be in command. (ANOTHER HONOR).

Kevin took the lead, followed by Kevin, Jody, Chris,  Rhett and I trailed the group. In the first flight, I said the Lord’s Prayer. I followed that with the Firemen’s prayer. I then began to think of the brave men who gave their all that September day.

My intentions were to remain silent and allow each member to “have their time” in the stairwell but instinct kicked in and I immediately began checking on our group. I made sure each member was “ok” along the way while giving frequent reminders of water and hand rails. I’m a Captain…. that’s what I do.

Our group was professional. Each member  disciplined and we honored the 343 well! We were a team, working for the same cause… towards the same goal.  In a few very short minutes,  members from  Va, Kentucky, Ohio and Maryland became a company!  I knew from step one that we would all complete the climb even if it meant carrying someone up.

There was plenty of time to reflect. It was a long grueling climb. I thought often of not only the 343 members  from that day but also of many of our lost Brothers  from before and since.

I thought of Pete Lund, William “ Billy”  Hick,  Curtis Meyran, and John Bellew just to name a few. 

 I climbed for Joseph Angelini and his son Joey Jr. I carried both tags and looked at them often. We have worn their pictures every day of the Expo since. I have them around my neck even now as I type this post.

I couldn’t help but think of their families and how the news must have came to them. I wonder if they are ok.  How they’re coping. I wonder if  the money raised for this event will ever reach them? I’m sure it will and hope it makes a difference! More than that, I hope they learn that someone carried their loved ones photo while climbing 110 stories. I hope they know we havent forgotten.

It was somber, sad and frightening.  Those 343 entered that structure that  September day knowing it was a coffin.  There’s no way way they didn’t know it was” gonna be bad”, but they went anyway. Me….us? We had it easy. We had water stations on the 16th and 20th floor (or some where close anyway).  We had Medics in the door ways to ensure we were all ok.

We did the climb 22 stories at a time. We hit the top then rode the service elevator down to the lobby. Then, we headed back up the stairs. There was a short distance between the elevator and stairway we used. That walk took us through the lobby where a large crowd gathered to cheer the climbers on.

It was humbling and brought me to tears every lap.

Group 19 completed our climb in 1 hour! My legs went from feeling like rubber to as if they weighed 100 lbs each. My gear must have tripled in weight as it became sweat soaked. What the gear couldn’t absorb filled my boots.

I looked into the faces of each member of group 19 as we rounded the landings. I saw what I can only imagine was on the faces of the 343 as they climbed …PRIDE and DETERMINATION.

I will remember this climb and my time in that stairwell until the day I die. I will remember Joseph Angelini, his son Joey Jr and the other 341 members of the FDNY who died in stairwells that day.

I WILL NEVER FORGET. Thanks to National Fallen Firefighters Foundation, The Baltimore City FD, The Hilton and all the volunteers who helped with the event. Thanks also to the 323 members who made this climb and to group 19.

Captain Wines

Posted by on July 23, 2011 • Filed under: in-the-line-of-duty, news, Uncategorized • Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

We are all climbing

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Tomorrow, Rhett (The Fire Critic), Kevin Tottin ( Salem Fire / EMS ) and I will arrive in Baltimore, Md for Firehouse Expo 2011.

We have a very busy work schedule through Sunday. We will be there working with Firefighter Netcast  and will be set up in Booth #743 with the likes of  Bill Schum ( Fire Geezer) and Dave Statter ( Statter 911 ) … Stop by for a visit!

We also have several meetings to attend and people to meet with. You will of course find us with the crew from the Fire/EMS Blog Network, Go Forward Media  and Go Forward Fire.  Bosses Dave Iannone and Chris ” hey buuuuuddy” Herbert always take pretty good care of us.  Bill Carey, Paul Andrews and Mary Velline are another 3 folks from the Go Forward team who have always made me feel right at home.  You may also find us hanging out with Zach Green and his crew from MN8 Products / Fox Fire.  Despite all the work, we’re gonna have a good time!

We (Rhett, Kevin and I) will also be participating in the 9/11 Memorial Stair Climb on Thursday at 2pm.  We will climb 110 stories of stairs in full turn out gear (I’ll be the skinny guy with a big mustache carrying Rhett).

Someone asked me the other day why in the world would I want to do that?

That’s easy … because my brothers of the FDNY couldn’t !  They weren’t allowed the time. The towers came down before they could complete their job and maybe,  in some small way; this will allow me to finish it for them.

343 members of the FDNY were climbing those stairs for the people pictured above right …. now, I’ll climb for those 343!

At the sign up, we were asked if we’d like to climb in honor or memory of a particular Firefighter. I choose Joseph “Joey” Angelini.

That’s Joey pictured to the left. Years ago, I used to go to the city for St. Patty’s Day. I’d always stay at a firehouse and catch a ride. One of my first rides was with Rescue 1. Joey was on that tour and went out of his way to spend time and talk with me. He made a lasting impression.

He was the oldest member of the FDNY still in company and he was on one of the busiest rigs !  Talk about Wooden Ladders and Iron Firemen!

His love for the job was evident in his every word …. the pride and honor. It doesn’t seem like we see a lot of that any more.

Like my dad, Joey must have passed his passion on to his son. Joseph Angelini Jr. followed his father’s footsteps but, regretfully; was also killed in the towers that September day ( assigned to Ladder Company 4).

My climb wont be easy. Their’s was worse!

I haven’t been to the gym nor have I practiced for the event. They didn’t have that luxury. The alarm sounded and they went.

This climb  has been on my mind a lot lately. I feel honored to have the opportunity.

As I was thinking, it hit me … I’ve been climbing stairs all my life. Most of us on the job have.

Not necessarily stairs like I’ll climb on Thursday, or the ones they climbed that day; but stairs none the less.

Give me a minute or 20 to explain.

Rhett had a post up last week about the final season of Rescue Me. See that post HERE . In it, he says …

“I think that many may agree that Rescue Me was a decent show in the beginning, but as the seasons progressed dysfunctional lives and too often nearly impossible heroics in conditions which are not indicative of normal firefighting lost real firefighters along the way.”

I have to disagree. I LOVE the show. I can relate to the character Tommy Gavin. The show hasn’t “lost” me and, despite what others may think; I consider myself to be a “real firefighter”.

I’m as dysfunctional as Gavin. Hell, maybe more so! Most of the old or “real” firefighters I know are as well. WE HAVE TO BE! Is that a good thing? Healthy? Probably not but that doesn’t change the facts.

Are we all as messed up as Gavin? No…. it’s TV. They just rolled all (or most of) our problems into one character.

You can’t see what we’ve seen and do what we’ve done and think yourself normal. Do dead people talk to me from inside my locker? NO. But there are faces I see often and will never forget. Memories I can’t loose. I would bet that true statistics within our profession for alcohol and spousal abuse would amaze you. Whats the divorce rate in your Department? The stress of this job can be overwhelming. Wonder why heart attacks are so prevalent?

Talk about stairs to climb …. try working a 24 hour shift away from your family. Get off tomorrow morning and go to you’r 2nd job. Screen a few calls from the wife about where you have to be when to pick up the kid or kids for this or that. Fire Officer class is tonight 6- 8pm … that promotion test is just weeks away and Firefighter “Joe” from the truck could use a hand building his deck for the company cookout next week.

Don’t forget to stop by so and so and drop off a check for whatever lesson or sports club and we’re out of milk.

By the way, the dishwasher quit working,  the grass needs mowed and my car is making a “funny noise”.

Do you have enough hours in the day? Enough days in the week? Are you making enough money? Yea… all the firemen I know are filthy RICH! How about your runs?  Seeing anything that bothers you? Hungry, low income children. Do ya see people you want to help and cant?

Get closer to home How many games have you missed due to pulling a tour? How many birthdays, holidays etc? How many times have you been pulled between you’re “firehouse family” and your family at home?

It’s an up hill battle…. “stairs to climb”  and it comes with the job. Over worked, under paid, seeing people in the worst conditions, sacrificing ourselves and our families for complete strangers . .. why? Because it’s a calling … It’s OUR CALLING!

 The bad news is that there are plenty of steps. They keep going up and up. My good friend and West Coast Brother Joe Schmoe must feel like he’s on an escalator. He called last week and I knew something was heavy on his mind. He didn’t get the chance to tell me but I know what it is. Cold feet. Schmoe is nearing retirement (as in about a month away). He’s been climbing those stairs so long, he doesn’t know how to stop. He’s not sure if he wants to. I hope he finds a peaceful landing to catch his breath. I know he will but I also know that his heart and soul is in that stairway. The same one we are all climbing. Not unlike the ones that collapsed on our brothers back in 2001.

That’s why I’m climbing Thursday. Because of firemen before me like my dad and Captain Joe Schmoe who have made their climb. I’m climbing because  if any of those 343 Brothers lost on September 11, 2001  were here today, I’d guarantee they’d miss or sacrifice whatever to be right there in those stairways again.

Thursday, they will be. They will be in a stairway in Baltimore Md. They will be in my mind and I WONT MISS A SINGLE STEP !!

I’ll update ya from the road… until then, stay safe and in house!

Captain Wines

Posted by on July 19, 2011 • Filed under: fire-rescue-topics, firefighter-safety-health, in-the-line-of-duty, line-of-duty, news, Uncategorized • Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Captain Wines and the Fire Critic … here comes trouble!

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The brothers of B-shift here at “Lucky #13″ must have had one heck of a shift.

I got to work at 06:20 am and found one of the brothers passed out on the couch …. note the drool stain on his shirt..LOL

I figured finding the crew worn out and in this shape was a good sign …

Maybe they ran all the calls last night.

Maybe if they ran em all, I will have a quiet and peaceful tour ….

Friday, Sunday, Tuesday on the 4th of July weekend .. how bad can it be?

Ha … I should have known!

My lucks NOT that good.

Rhett is trading some time with Bugg,  a Lt. at station #5 ; today and got detailed out here. My Lieutenant (Georgie) and Firefighter (Boots) are both off today so I actually needed 2 bodies. One came from #5 and the other from the South side.

Last week, they detailed  Dennis Croft  out here with me and now they send Rhett …. WHAT ARE THEY THINKING?!?  LOL

It’s like I’m playing cards with my brother’s kids or something!

I jumped on him right off the bat. You gotta get ahead of a fretter first thing or they’ll eat ya alive. I mean just look at that grin … GUILTY!

I may have jumped a little too hard … he’s been trying to kiss up all day. Let me get that for ya Capt. Let me do that for Capt. You need something to drink Capt. …. it’s sickening … I threw up in my mouth twice.

The poor little fella went as far to bake me a cake. Today is my 20th anniversary of being on the job.

I had to blur out the icing job to keep PETA off my back. I think he was trying to draw a rabbit but only put one ear on it. I didn’t want to smear the good name of this site with a picture of what appeared to be a wounded one ear rabbit.

Here’s a better shot ….. oops … I’d better blur that one out too.

Funny thing is ….. it really didn’t look like a rabbit at all. Hummmmm?

Well, at least the little fella was thinking about me. I really shouldn’t have been so hard on him this morning.

He deserves more than that. After all, we’re more than good friends … we’re tight. Hell, he’s just like having another Buckaroo around …. only a few inches taller and a few pounds heavier. Wait … the Buckaroo may be taller than him now but you get the point ….LOL

Speaking of Rhett, we’re gearing up to get back on the road! Those of you who follow our sites know that we’ve done a lot of traveling over the past year or so. Our latest adventure was traveling up to the Jersey Shore to present his “Social Media” class. See related posts  HERE  and  HERE .

Our next big adventure is just around the corner …

We’re headed to Baltimore for the Firehouse Expo July 19-23!

This is going to be a GREAT trip.  We’re going up with Firefighter Netcast  and will be located in booth 743 with Fire Geezer  and Statter 911 .  Geezer even has details on how to get a FREE PASS to the exhibit hall … click HERE to learn how. If you get the chance, stop by for a visit!

Captain Willie Wines (Ironfiremen.com) and Chief Billy Goldfeder at the NFFF Memorial weekend 2010

I have posted in the past about some big announcements concerning the trip.

We were planning to shave my mustache.

Yea … as in off. We were going to do it as a charity event at Expo and donate the proceeds to the National Fallen Firefighter Foundation to help support a family over their Memorial weekend.

Sadly, the deal has fallen through …. I’m not sure how I feel about it. I mean my mustache means a lot to me but the families of our fallen Brothers and Sisters have lost a whole lot more than facial hair.

If loosing the stache could have helped support those families I would have shaved it with a pickhead axe!

Don’t worry …. we’ve found another way to help support the NFFF and the families of our fallen.

Rhett (aka The Fire Critic) and I will be participating in the  9/11 Memorial Stair Climb  at Firehouse Expo! Captain Kevin Totten (Salem Fire / EMS) will also be joining us on the trip / climb this year.

That’s right … 110 flights of stairs in full turnout  gear!

Time didn’t allow our brothers of the FDNY to complete their climb so, (in their honor) we’ll do it for them! That while benefiting the NFFF and families of our fallen.

WE NEED YOUR HELP !   So far, there is only like 100 or so members signed up for the climb. The planners were looking and hoping for 343 participants.

DETAILS AND SIGN UP FOR THE 2011 FIREHOUSE EXPO MEMORIAL STAIR CLIMB

I may need a little extra help ….

I think I’m gonna have to carry Rhett.

He’s already complaining about a sore elbow. He says his tummy feels “funny”, he may be getting a cold and his feet itch.

 He’s also worried about the 2 hrs time limit and his “poop” schedule.

He’s mentioned something about maybe needing to help Statter carry his cameras etc. blah  blah  blah … excuses excuses … I guess Totten and I will have to carry the little guy.

Anyway, the three of us will be there and climbing! Afterwards, all bets are off. I don’t know which bar we’ll end up in but make sure to check in with us (here, Firecritic.com, FaceBook or Twitter) and join us for a beer …. or 20!  LOL

See Rhett’s post on the climb HERE

I’ll post more on the climb and who I’m climbing in memory of in future post. Until then, make your plans to attend the Expo, stop by booth #743 and participate in the climb!

Ok, I’m gonna stop here for now. I’ve got to fix Rhett’s milk, lay out his “go home” cloths for in the morning and get him tucked in. I’ll check back soon. We’re back Sunday and Tuesday.

Stay Safe and in House!

Captain Wines

Posted by on July 1, 2011 • Filed under: fire-rescue-topics, in-the-line-of-duty, line-of-duty, news, Uncategorized • Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,