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Climbing out ….

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The good news is that I’m back in my “boots”. I’m back in bunker gear and pulling regular tours.

The bad news is that I’m still not 100% and I know I never will be again. I’m still working through the grieving process and searching for my “new normal” (read my previous post “Searching for a New Normal” by clicking HERE) .

In another previous post (“Melt Down”) , I told ya about the “stages of grief” and how grief is as individual as the person suffering through it. We don’t necessarily go through the stages in order and by no means in the same way.

I’m currently working through the “depression” stage (and, I believe; suffering through PTSD).

I was expecting it but have never fully understood exactly what “depression” was. I’m learning the hard way.

My thoughts continue to wonder with every waking moment and it’s difficult for me to focus.

I still can’t eat. I just don’t have an appetite … I’m  not hungry. When I try to force myself to eat, I throw it back up so I figure why bother.

I’m sleeping some at night now but I’m not REALLY “sleeping”. I’m tired all the time and can’t motivate myself to get out and do anything. I try to make myself go “somewhere” or do “something” but I don’t. I know I need to.

I haven’t even been able to write (evident in my recent lack of postings and absence from Face Book).

I’m not getting along well with others … I just want to be alone.

All these things seem so petty and easy to fix but they’re not.

That’s the hardest part for me. I know what’s happening and what I need to do ….. I just can’t muster the energy or motivation to get it done.

I have to start climbing my way out of this hole … I thought I have been but it doesn’t feel like I’m making much progress. I can’t stay here (like this) forever.

One of the folks I’ve been seeing offered a prescription for anti-depressants. It’s not for me. There’s a small part of me that almost took her up on it just so I could learn for myself (and share with you folks) if they (the pills) “really” work or not. Unfortunately,  I’m not the “pill” taking kind ( I hardly even even take an aspirin) so I won’t be able to tell you “first hand” about anti-depressants. I can tell you that depression is REAL . It’s an illness that can be crippling.

I see a lot of it in the firehouse for one reason or another. Not just in situations like mine (the loss of a loved one) but also over financial issues, marital problems etc. If you want to learn more about depression and take your “Depression IQ quiz”, take a minute and CLICK HERE .

The best thing for me has been talking about it. Getting “it” out of my head and off my chest. I’ve wrote about them a lot here lately but once again, I want to share with you some folks who you CAN TALK TO. People who understand and that do MAKE A DIFFERENCE.

These folks are not just for you or me either. They are there for our Brothers and Sisters as well and it’s up to us to let them know that help is available. PAY ATTENTION … look around you. If someone in your company, your Battalion, Department or whatever is needing help, point them in this direction. You know … firefighter “so and so” whos wife just left him. Ol “what’s his name” from Engine whatever who just took a 3rd mortgage out because he lost his 2nd job.  That S.O.B on the Ladder who we all know has been drinking too much …. all these Brothers have someone to turn to. Let them know before it’s too late. Here are the links ….

Grief.com,   Recover from Grief.com , The Sweeney Alliance,Firefighter Behavioral Health Alliance, North American Firefighter Veteran Network

I had a bad day yesterday. Like most everyday, there’s always something that will remind me of Jackson.

I pulled a tour Saturday (we work 24hr shifts) and when I got home yesterday morning, the Buckaroo was waiting for me. It was 8am , he missed his “Paw-Paw” and wanted to play.

He got his motorcycle toy out. It’s like the old Evil Knievel wind up toy. If you’re a boy and anywhere near my age (44), I’d bet you had one.

I showed him how to use some books / magazines to make a ramp so we could make some jumps down the hallway. It was just how me and Jack did it when we were kids.

I could see us like it was just yesterday. Then the thought hit me (as it always does in situations like this) …. I wanted to call Jackson and tell him what we were doing. He would LOVE it! Knowing that me and the Buckaroo were doing exactly what he and I did as kids. I know he’d remember our ramps … our jumps…. fighting over who went next…. he’d understand and know EXACTLY what we were feeling / doing. He’d have that unforgettable smile on his face just thinking about it.

I’ll never get to make “those” calls again … not to Jackson and it’s killing me. This grief … the depression…. it keeps knocking me down but I won’t let it keep me here.

Like I said in the beginning of this post, I have to start climbing my way out of this hole.

“CLIMBING”…… Seems I wrote about that one time …. back in July of 2011 actually in a post titled “We are all Climbing” (Take the time to hit the link and read that post … I think you’ll find it worthwhile). Stairs,  ladders or whatever obstacle, it seems we all are indeed “climbing”.

Me? I’m gonna find my way out …. I’m gonna find that “new normal” because I’m going to keep climbing …. it’s all I know to do.

I’m gonna start by getting out of town again. I’m going to head up north and spend a little time in NYC and out on Long Island.

I’m going to attend the Long Island Fire, Rescue and EMS Mega Show on Feb. 23rd / 24th. I’ll be working the booth with my MN8 FoxFire family but I’ll also be doing what I love best … meeting, spending time with and talking to all the Brothers and Sisters in attendance. I think it will be just what I need to get “moving” again …. to “re-engage” and get “back in the game”.

I’ll get ya more details in the next day or so …. until then, thanks again for all the support. Thanks too for allowing me to share all of this with you …. I LOVE YA ALL!

Stay SAFE and in House!

Captain Wines

Posted by on February 18, 2013 • Filed under: administration-leadership, ems-health-safety, ems-topics, fire-rescue-topics, firefighter-safety-health, news, Uncategorized • Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

We are all climbing

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Tomorrow, Rhett (The Fire Critic), Kevin Tottin ( Salem Fire / EMS ) and I will arrive in Baltimore, Md for Firehouse Expo 2011.

We have a very busy work schedule through Sunday. We will be there working with Firefighter Netcast  and will be set up in Booth #743 with the likes of  Bill Schum ( Fire Geezer) and Dave Statter ( Statter 911 ) … Stop by for a visit!

We also have several meetings to attend and people to meet with. You will of course find us with the crew from the Fire/EMS Blog Network, Go Forward Media  and Go Forward Fire.  Bosses Dave Iannone and Chris ” hey buuuuuddy” Herbert always take pretty good care of us.  Bill Carey, Paul Andrews and Mary Velline are another 3 folks from the Go Forward team who have always made me feel right at home.  You may also find us hanging out with Zach Green and his crew from MN8 Products / Fox Fire.  Despite all the work, we’re gonna have a good time!

We (Rhett, Kevin and I) will also be participating in the 9/11 Memorial Stair Climb on Thursday at 2pm.  We will climb 110 stories of stairs in full turn out gear (I’ll be the skinny guy with a big mustache carrying Rhett).

Someone asked me the other day why in the world would I want to do that?

That’s easy … because my brothers of the FDNY couldn’t !  They weren’t allowed the time. The towers came down before they could complete their job and maybe,  in some small way; this will allow me to finish it for them.

343 members of the FDNY were climbing those stairs for the people pictured above right …. now, I’ll climb for those 343!

At the sign up, we were asked if we’d like to climb in honor or memory of a particular Firefighter. I choose Joseph “Joey” Angelini.

That’s Joey pictured to the left. Years ago, I used to go to the city for St. Patty’s Day. I’d always stay at a firehouse and catch a ride. One of my first rides was with Rescue 1. Joey was on that tour and went out of his way to spend time and talk with me. He made a lasting impression.

He was the oldest member of the FDNY still in company and he was on one of the busiest rigs !  Talk about Wooden Ladders and Iron Firemen!

His love for the job was evident in his every word …. the pride and honor. It doesn’t seem like we see a lot of that any more.

Like my dad, Joey must have passed his passion on to his son. Joseph Angelini Jr. followed his father’s footsteps but, regretfully; was also killed in the towers that September day ( assigned to Ladder Company 4).

My climb wont be easy. Their’s was worse!

I haven’t been to the gym nor have I practiced for the event. They didn’t have that luxury. The alarm sounded and they went.

This climb  has been on my mind a lot lately. I feel honored to have the opportunity.

As I was thinking, it hit me … I’ve been climbing stairs all my life. Most of us on the job have.

Not necessarily stairs like I’ll climb on Thursday, or the ones they climbed that day; but stairs none the less.

Give me a minute or 20 to explain.

Rhett had a post up last week about the final season of Rescue Me. See that post HERE . In it, he says …

“I think that many may agree that Rescue Me was a decent show in the beginning, but as the seasons progressed dysfunctional lives and too often nearly impossible heroics in conditions which are not indicative of normal firefighting lost real firefighters along the way.”

I have to disagree. I LOVE the show. I can relate to the character Tommy Gavin. The show hasn’t “lost” me and, despite what others may think; I consider myself to be a “real firefighter”.

I’m as dysfunctional as Gavin. Hell, maybe more so! Most of the old or “real” firefighters I know are as well. WE HAVE TO BE! Is that a good thing? Healthy? Probably not but that doesn’t change the facts.

Are we all as messed up as Gavin? No…. it’s TV. They just rolled all (or most of) our problems into one character.

You can’t see what we’ve seen and do what we’ve done and think yourself normal. Do dead people talk to me from inside my locker? NO. But there are faces I see often and will never forget. Memories I can’t loose. I would bet that true statistics within our profession for alcohol and spousal abuse would amaze you. Whats the divorce rate in your Department? The stress of this job can be overwhelming. Wonder why heart attacks are so prevalent?

Talk about stairs to climb …. try working a 24 hour shift away from your family. Get off tomorrow morning and go to you’r 2nd job. Screen a few calls from the wife about where you have to be when to pick up the kid or kids for this or that. Fire Officer class is tonight 6- 8pm … that promotion test is just weeks away and Firefighter “Joe” from the truck could use a hand building his deck for the company cookout next week.

Don’t forget to stop by so and so and drop off a check for whatever lesson or sports club and we’re out of milk.

By the way, the dishwasher quit working,  the grass needs mowed and my car is making a “funny noise”.

Do you have enough hours in the day? Enough days in the week? Are you making enough money? Yea… all the firemen I know are filthy RICH! How about your runs?  Seeing anything that bothers you? Hungry, low income children. Do ya see people you want to help and cant?

Get closer to home How many games have you missed due to pulling a tour? How many birthdays, holidays etc? How many times have you been pulled between you’re “firehouse family” and your family at home?

It’s an up hill battle…. “stairs to climb”  and it comes with the job. Over worked, under paid, seeing people in the worst conditions, sacrificing ourselves and our families for complete strangers . .. why? Because it’s a calling … It’s OUR CALLING!

 The bad news is that there are plenty of steps. They keep going up and up. My good friend and West Coast Brother Joe Schmoe must feel like he’s on an escalator. He called last week and I knew something was heavy on his mind. He didn’t get the chance to tell me but I know what it is. Cold feet. Schmoe is nearing retirement (as in about a month away). He’s been climbing those stairs so long, he doesn’t know how to stop. He’s not sure if he wants to. I hope he finds a peaceful landing to catch his breath. I know he will but I also know that his heart and soul is in that stairway. The same one we are all climbing. Not unlike the ones that collapsed on our brothers back in 2001.

That’s why I’m climbing Thursday. Because of firemen before me like my dad and Captain Joe Schmoe who have made their climb. I’m climbing because  if any of those 343 Brothers lost on September 11, 2001  were here today, I’d guarantee they’d miss or sacrifice whatever to be right there in those stairways again.

Thursday, they will be. They will be in a stairway in Baltimore Md. They will be in my mind and I WONT MISS A SINGLE STEP !!

I’ll update ya from the road… until then, stay safe and in house!

Captain Wines

Posted by on July 19, 2011 • Filed under: fire-rescue-topics, firefighter-safety-health, in-the-line-of-duty, line-of-duty, news, Uncategorized • Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Warm thoughts, extrication and Santa’s Sexy Helper Day 17!

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I just got a call from a buddy who is down in Florida. The Temp is in the upper 60′s and he’s walking the beach in shorts. Another good friend, Captain Joe Schmoe; over at Report on Conditions titled his last post  ”Heat Wave.  The temp there yesterday was 78. He even has pics but he’s NOT gloating. Grrrrrrrrrrr! It’s not even officially Winter here yet and our temps can’t get much above freezing. Factor in the wind chill and I don’t even want to talk about it! I used to love this time of year. Now, all I can think about is the beach … the Outter Banks … OBX.

Boots kicked off at the beach’s edge ….

The peaceful, WARM feeling you get from the sound of the waves crashing onto shore ..

Lazy days by the pool or out fishing ….

I think I need a vacation!  AXE  just sent me a package of “Travel Size” product .. maybe (in order to give it a fair review /trial) I should have them send me to a beach somewhere to try it out. What good is “travel size” bottles if you don’t travel?  Hummmm? No need to send the Company jet Jill … just plain ol “coach” tickets will do ( I’ve been needing one of those NSA  ”pat downs” anyway). LOL … who am I kidding … the closest I’ll come to a beach before spring would be a litter box by the fireplace!

Alright .. moving on. Extrication. Today, we had a very good class on Vehicle Extrication “awareness”. I haven’t been assigned to an “extrication truck” since I was a Private. We cut a lot of cars back then but that was long ago. Today, everything has changed. I have tried to keep up with the advancements and new technologies but, nothing compares to hands on. Here on the Fire/EMS Blog Network, we have a great site (resource) dedicated to extrication. Check out  Boron Extrication . If you cut cars, it’s a good   MUST read.

Here in the “Noke”, we have 2 companies to cover our extrications (pin jobs). Ladder #5 covers the North Side while Ladder #1 handles the South. Our class today was with L5. Here’s a pic of her set up…

Our Department (and committee) did a great job of designing this truck. Her entire right side is dedicated to extrication and each tool / piece of equipment has a spot. Well equipped, very organized and easily accessible. Here’s a shot of Lt. Brown giving us “the tour”…

I did have to ride Engine #5 for a few hours last week. While I was there, we caught a MVC involving a school bus. School was out by this time and the kids had all been dropped off. Luckily for everyone involved, there were no injuries. Lucky! This is what it looks like when the “A-post” of a Pontiac Sunfire meets the bumper of a school bus while traveling in opposite directions ….

Add a Jag to the mix and the picture doesn’t look any better ….

Do ya recognize the member on the left? Yep … that’s Paramedic wanna be “Doctor” Travis “Wheezy” Meador.  Rumor has it he asked Santa for one of those fancy Littmann Stethoscopes for Christmas … hope he’s been a “good boy” LOL.

Speaking of asking for Christmas… I’ve figured out what I’m gonna get (of course I’ll have to buy it myself). I’m gonna get one of those fancy, big screen Robot telephones.

Oh yea! Then, I’ll be able to approve comments for the site, check stats, update my status, check and post to “picture book” etc. all from my phone, regardless of where I’m at. I could also then show off some of my “robot” dance moves …

What?? Don’t like the “moves” ? Check out these “Robot” moves…

Those guys look more like “Androids” than “Robots”…. Maybe that’s why they call the “Robot Phone” a “Droid”? Hummm.

 

Ok, enough with the cheesy videos… let’s get to why you are all here (well, why all the guys are here anyway). Here’s tonight’s installment of Santa’s Sexy Helper .. Day 17

Day 17

I’m gonna wrap it up for tonight. I have a long day scheduled for tomorrow so I had better try to get some rest … that hasn’t been working so well around here lately. Even our Brothers and Sisters on B-shift caught some work yesterday. Heavy fire from a single story, residential structure. Another quick and aggressive attack held damages to a minimum with no injuries. Well done fellas.

Last thing, don’t forget to tune in to Tiger Schmittendorf’s show tonight on Firefighter Netcast. Tiger is the host of Firefighter Story Tellers. Tonight’s guest is Retired Buffalo Lt.  Patrick Coghlan.  The direct link to the show is HERE.

Ok, until next post, keep warm and dry. Stay safe and in house!

Captain Wines

Posted by on December 8, 2010 • Filed under: fire-rescue-topics, news, training-fire-rescue-topics, Uncategorized, videos • Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Wounded Warriors

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It’s no secret that I’m a huge fan of  Report on Conditions. The site is run by a Brother Firefighter and friend Captain Joe Schmoe. In many ways, I think the two of us are very similar. It’s amazing how two men from oppisite sides of the Country can share so many views and opinions.

There are several “old sayings” in the firehouse and one of them suggests that firefighting, and firefighters,  as well  as all of  our problems; are the same wherever you go. There are just different names and faces attached to the stories. The more brothers I meet from far away, or the more articles I read,  the more true that saying seems to be.

Captain Schmoe published a post Sunday morning titled  SCARS. As with all his postings, it is well written and touching. He somewhat “opens up” in the post.  That’s something most Firemen have a difficult time doing. He showed personal feelings. He showed he cares.  He is passionate about our profession and strong in his beliefs.  Something in this post upset him and it showed… he cursed…

“Inside, I was screaming to myself. “Are you fucking kidding me? Is this what we do to the people that are being maimed while serving our country? We fix them up, best as we can – then cut them loose? Can’t we do any better for him?”  ”

WOW! Raw emotion from a fireman.  You may remember a few posts of mine. One concerning a young boy whose welfare I was concerned for (for whatever reason). See the 2 posts Ramblings and  Update. Much earlier in my “blogging career”, I wrote an article entitled Time for a Mayday? Do you see a connection to these 4 postings?

Those of us who live this job know that often times, we too are or become the “wounded”. We see and face the tragedy and adversities our “customers” are subjected to on a daily basis. We are expected to “fix” the problem (or at least make it better)  but are all too often not given the resources or authority to do so. They tell us to “fix” something and then tie our hands.  Even the word “customer” bothers me. It’s like the people we serve are cattle or something. Our Departments don’t want a name or face attached. They are customers … give them what they want (or pay for) and move on.

Whos “customers are we?

Who looks after those looking after everyone else? Does you Department take a proactive or reactive approach? The incident I wrote of involving the young boy bothered me (for whatever reason). Do you think my Commanding Officers approached me about it? Should they have? Was I offered someone to “talk to” or was it just assumed that this site and my postings are my “EAP” (Employee Assistance Program). Wouldn’t you hope that my (or anyone else for that matter)  having the courage to tell the story and share my feelings in a public forum would have sparked some Departmental action? Maybe better relations / communications between the Fire Department and governmental agencies such as Social Services?

Is my friend and Brother Schmoe now in the same boat? Do you think his posting will open the door for new policies or procedures? Could it open the door for better relations between his Department and groups such as “Wounded Warriors” or the Veteran’s Affairs? It should.

It is apparent (to those of us who understand anyway) that the incident has weighed heavy on Schmoe’s mind. He feels both anger and helplessness.  He wants to “fix” it but can’t. The system is flawed. Will he be able to function and move on??? YES.   It’s what we do. Should we have to?     Can just “anybody” do it?    I don’t know. What I do know is that folks have to begin to realize that often times … we too suffer. We too are a sort of “wounded warrior”. We all carry a certain or several “incidents” in our minds. The ones we relive in our sleep. Post Traumatic Stress??? In the Fire Department???  Don’t be a puss!

Worry, suffering and sacrifice…. for people we don’t even know!  That’s our job!  Often times, even our families pay for the work we do. Away for 24 hrs. Missing school plays, ball games etc. Working 2nd and 3rd jobs on the days we’re not at the Firehouse.  I’ve done it …. we all have.

There was a time when I drove a charter bus for a private company. I had a regular trip to Atlantic City. They would have no other driver and they tipped well. A good gig.  One particular trip, it was snowing … so hard I could barely see the road. We were headed home but at a snails pace. My youngest daughter had a dog… a dalmatian.. Sandy. They were best friends.. we’d had her from a pup. She was now old. They slept together .. in the bed .. every night. Sandy had to be under the covers and even had her own pillow. They did everything together.  That night, on a snow covered Rt. 66; I got a call. Sandy had died. Peacefully but in the Bed with my daughter.  She was, understandably; very upset.

It was snowing even harder at home and the girls didn’t know what to do. What could they do with 2 foot of snow on the ground and more coming?  They needed me there and they needed me right then. I wnated to be there…more than anything.  Impossible.  A life spent giving to strangers and now my own family needs me and I can’t be there! They couldn’t make it to the barn and there was  NO WAY Sandy would be laid out in the snow and cold.

Luckily for me, a brother Firefighter lives just a mile or so away. I stopped the bus… full of passengers and made a call. Keith Blankinship was there to take it! He made tracks to my house. He comforted my family, then carefully wrapped Sandy and somehow made it down to the barn where he found a safe resting place for her (away from Natures critters and the freezing cold) until I could make it home and bury her.   That’s a BROTHER!

I know I’m rambling here but this is the point I want to make… I think of Captain Schmoe as a friend and brother even though we have never met in person. I know (as only we can) how his most recent incident bothered him… and why. Much like Keith did for me, in taking that call;  I at least want Schmoe to know that “I know” … and that I’m here for him (whatever value that may have).  Someone to shoot the sh#* with. An understanding ear to vent in. Someone who will not only listen to a rant but relate and understand as well.

Hey Schmoe… Thanks for caring and for doing the job you do. Again, I stand proud to share my profession with men such as you!

Captain Wines

Posted by on November 29, 2010 • Filed under: news, Uncategorized • Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Elections and Network member MIA.

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Just a quick Monday night update. First off, tomorrow is mid term elections. I hope you’ve all done your homework. Back during the  Obion County / South Fulton FD fiasco many folks were unhappy and didn’t understand how or why the decision / policy makers there could allow situations such as this exist. It was said by several people to not blame the firefighters, home owner or media, rather blame the County Administration. It was also mentioned (by me as well) that this is why the IAFF and like organizations push political action / involvement. Here’s my quote …. 

“This is why the IAFF and other orginizations push Political action. This is what happens when we vote gun rights and abortion vs. firefighter issues.”

My point there was that just maybe, the folks down there voted for this candidate or the other for their stance on issues not related to Public Safety. As a Professional Firefighter, firefighter issues are first on my list. I have been fortunate enough to travel with my IAFF Local (L1132) to Washington DC for the Legislative Conference. There, we “lobby” our elected officials to make sure they understand our stance on this bill or the next. We sit down and explain WHY we feel the way we do and HOW it will affect firefighters, our families and the people we protect. We go in knowing how that legislator voted on every “firefighter issue” since he / she has been in office. We go in EDUCATED. Personally, I worry more about protecting my pension than I do about how long I have to wait to buy another gun. I guess what I want to say here is 2 basic things… 1.)  VOTE tomorrow 2.) Be educated about your choice .

Ok, moving on. I hope everyone had a safe and Happy Halloween. The Buckaroo seemed to have had a blast! He got to the farm around 9am this morning and he was already (or still) “jacked up” on chocolate. I was a little disappointed in that I only received a single pic of a reader and / or their little one in costume.

In the case of the pic (and I’m sure Statter will agree) this is both a reader and “little” one. Yea, I have a shot of Rhett (FireCritic) in costume. Now, I had always thought he done a good job at this blogging / web site kind of stuff. As a matter of fact, I would have ranked him in the Top 5. You have to figure that when you talk about the top of the class in a group such as this …. the competition is tough! I mean we have the likes of Statter, Geezer, Mike Ward, Joe Schmoe, Chief Reason, John Mitchel and the list goes on and on.

Now I know it was Halloween and all and again I’ll say I rank Rhett in the elite, but  BLOG KING ???????? I’m not convinced.

LMAO…. whatda think Statter?? Looks just like him huh? Well, apparently the “King” is taking a little break from posting duties because FireCritic has been stagnant. I’m hearing rumors that he may be out of town. Something about Disney Land. Hummmm. maybe he’s applying for a job as one of those dwarfs or something? Maybe they’ll mistake him for one and not let him off the property? You think I should haul butt to Florida and start the search? I bet it’s warmer there than it is here. Maybe…just MAYBE the little fella is just worn out from walking around all those neighborhoods in his little King of Blogs trick-or-treat costume? He’s probably home in bed .. dead tired or strung out on Cracker Jacks and Candy Corn.

I sure hope my little buddy is ok and having fun where ever he is. I’m back on duty tomorrow… until then stay safe and in house.

Captain Wines

Posted by on November 2, 2010 • Filed under: news, Uncategorized • Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,