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Climbing out ….

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The good news is that I’m back in my “boots”. I’m back in bunker gear and pulling regular tours.

The bad news is that I’m still not 100% and I know I never will be again. I’m still working through the grieving process and searching for my “new normal” (read my previous post “Searching for a New Normal” by clicking HERE) .

In another previous post (“Melt Down”) , I told ya about the “stages of grief” and how grief is as individual as the person suffering through it. We don’t necessarily go through the stages in order and by no means in the same way.

I’m currently working through the “depression” stage (and, I believe; suffering through PTSD).

I was expecting it but have never fully understood exactly what “depression” was. I’m learning the hard way.

My thoughts continue to wonder with every waking moment and it’s difficult for me to focus.

I still can’t eat. I just don’t have an appetite … I’m  not hungry. When I try to force myself to eat, I throw it back up so I figure why bother.

I’m sleeping some at night now but I’m not REALLY “sleeping”. I’m tired all the time and can’t motivate myself to get out and do anything. I try to make myself go “somewhere” or do “something” but I don’t. I know I need to.

I haven’t even been able to write (evident in my recent lack of postings and absence from Face Book).

I’m not getting along well with others … I just want to be alone.

All these things seem so petty and easy to fix but they’re not.

That’s the hardest part for me. I know what’s happening and what I need to do ….. I just can’t muster the energy or motivation to get it done.

I have to start climbing my way out of this hole … I thought I have been but it doesn’t feel like I’m making much progress. I can’t stay here (like this) forever.

One of the folks I’ve been seeing offered a prescription for anti-depressants. It’s not for me. There’s a small part of me that almost took her up on it just so I could learn for myself (and share with you folks) if they (the pills) “really” work or not. Unfortunately,  I’m not the “pill” taking kind ( I hardly even even take an aspirin) so I won’t be able to tell you “first hand” about anti-depressants. I can tell you that depression is REAL . It’s an illness that can be crippling.

I see a lot of it in the firehouse for one reason or another. Not just in situations like mine (the loss of a loved one) but also over financial issues, marital problems etc. If you want to learn more about depression and take your “Depression IQ quiz”, take a minute and CLICK HERE .

The best thing for me has been talking about it. Getting “it” out of my head and off my chest. I’ve wrote about them a lot here lately but once again, I want to share with you some folks who you CAN TALK TO. People who understand and that do MAKE A DIFFERENCE.

These folks are not just for you or me either. They are there for our Brothers and Sisters as well and it’s up to us to let them know that help is available. PAY ATTENTION … look around you. If someone in your company, your Battalion, Department or whatever is needing help, point them in this direction. You know … firefighter “so and so” whos wife just left him. Ol “what’s his name” from Engine whatever who just took a 3rd mortgage out because he lost his 2nd job.  That S.O.B on the Ladder who we all know has been drinking too much …. all these Brothers have someone to turn to. Let them know before it’s too late. Here are the links ….

Grief.com,   Recover from Grief.com , The Sweeney Alliance,Firefighter Behavioral Health Alliance, North American Firefighter Veteran Network

I had a bad day yesterday. Like most everyday, there’s always something that will remind me of Jackson.

I pulled a tour Saturday (we work 24hr shifts) and when I got home yesterday morning, the Buckaroo was waiting for me. It was 8am , he missed his “Paw-Paw” and wanted to play.

He got his motorcycle toy out. It’s like the old Evil Knievel wind up toy. If you’re a boy and anywhere near my age (44), I’d bet you had one.

I showed him how to use some books / magazines to make a ramp so we could make some jumps down the hallway. It was just how me and Jack did it when we were kids.

I could see us like it was just yesterday. Then the thought hit me (as it always does in situations like this) …. I wanted to call Jackson and tell him what we were doing. He would LOVE it! Knowing that me and the Buckaroo were doing exactly what he and I did as kids. I know he’d remember our ramps … our jumps…. fighting over who went next…. he’d understand and know EXACTLY what we were feeling / doing. He’d have that unforgettable smile on his face just thinking about it.

I’ll never get to make “those” calls again … not to Jackson and it’s killing me. This grief … the depression…. it keeps knocking me down but I won’t let it keep me here.

Like I said in the beginning of this post, I have to start climbing my way out of this hole.

“CLIMBING”…… Seems I wrote about that one time …. back in July of 2011 actually in a post titled “We are all Climbing” (Take the time to hit the link and read that post … I think you’ll find it worthwhile). Stairs,  ladders or whatever obstacle, it seems we all are indeed “climbing”.

Me? I’m gonna find my way out …. I’m gonna find that “new normal” because I’m going to keep climbing …. it’s all I know to do.

I’m gonna start by getting out of town again. I’m going to head up north and spend a little time in NYC and out on Long Island.

I’m going to attend the Long Island Fire, Rescue and EMS Mega Show on Feb. 23rd / 24th. I’ll be working the booth with my MN8 FoxFire family but I’ll also be doing what I love best … meeting, spending time with and talking to all the Brothers and Sisters in attendance. I think it will be just what I need to get “moving” again …. to “re-engage” and get “back in the game”.

I’ll get ya more details in the next day or so …. until then, thanks again for all the support. Thanks too for allowing me to share all of this with you …. I LOVE YA ALL!

Stay SAFE and in House!

Captain Wines

Posted by on February 18, 2013 • Filed under: administration-leadership, ems-health-safety, ems-topics, fire-rescue-topics, firefighter-safety-health, news, Uncategorized • Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

RE-ADJUSTING

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I’m not the sharpest tool in the shed nor am I a complete idiot. That said, I know that I am not nor have I ever been what most folks would call “normal”. I also know that “normal” is something I will never be.

Rhett, Zach Green and I have just returned from a trip up to New York City. Much like most of the journeys Rhett and I embark on ( ie; 9/11 Memorial Stair Climbs, NFFF Memorial Weekends, etc), this trip was life altering. I find myself back home and even on duty today but so far from the person who left Roanoke a mere 5 days ago.

Read my brief follow up post to our trip HERE 

For those of you who follow this site regularly, you know that of all the things my postings can be described as, “brief” is usually not on that list. I used the word “brief” in the above link because there is so much detail that I left out. I did this intentionally.

First, there are some parts / details about our trip that we just can’t talk about yet. You’ll understand why when we are allowed to release details. Secondly, I just didn’t have the time for a 10 page post describing everything we experienced. Third, I felt that the parts of this trip that affected me most deserved its own post. Now, I know that it will most likely take 2 or 3 installments.

I spoke in my follow up post about visiting some FDNY Houses … in particular, Rescue 1, Rescue 4 and Ten House. These visits alone were very emotional for me.

Early in my career, I was (and remain today) a huge FDNY “buff”. They are the “benchmark” for America’s Fire Service … the elite of the elite if you will. Good friend and Brother Captain Todd Stone and I made a trip up, spent the night and got to ride with Rescue 4 in the early 1990′s. I WAS HOOKED ! We returned each  year following (together or alone) to do the same. In the years following, I had the honor of staying with Rescue 1 and later with 39 / 16  (Todd would spend many nights with Rescue 2).

I met the men of these houses. We talked and ate together. I was one of thousands that they meet yearly but they were the only NYC firefighters I knew. It was on one these rides where I met Joey Angelini of Rescue 1.

Read an earlier post on meeting “Joey” HERE

These men made an impression on me. One that I carry still today. I’ve returned only once since the September 11 attacks when I stayed with 39/16 and marched along side them in the 2002 St. Patrick’s Day Parade.

Last week was the first time I’ve been back to Rescue 1 or 4 since before the attacks. Again I’ll say … it was very emotional.

Every FDNY House has plaques and memorials. The run boards from that fateful day have never been erased. We all have heard the names and seen the faces. In these houses, for me; it was more than a name or picture on a wall …. I knew these men.

Stepping into these houses, I concentrated hard to mask my emotion. I didn’t want my being upset / emotional to affect the men on duty. I think I did ok but “something” must have shown.  Upon entering the House, I would ask to see the Officer. I never mentioned having been there “before”. As far as they knew, this was my first visit. That’s whats so amazing about our Brotherhood… I didn’t have to. After a brief introduction and eye contact, it was almost as if they knew. We were immediately accepted as one of their own and the House opened up to us.

This would be my first time meeting Rescue 1′s Lt. Tarabocchia …. what a great guy! We “clicked” from the get go. He wanted me to wear his Lt’s shirt because the Chief was due for a visit… it was a mustache thing. Before we could make the switch, the Chief arrived but it still made for a good laugh.

It was an AWESOME visit. Lt. Tarabocchia even gave me somewhat of a private tour of the house. He never pointed them out but I believe purposely took me past several “personal” memorials for the House. He even shared some personal stories and photographs.

Joey’s name or picture was everywhere and after all my climbs etc in honor and memory of him, it was almost peaceful to be seeing it in that House. I just can’t explain it. I guess if I was to sum it up in a single word, it word be the one found atop their rig and throughout the House … ” OUTSTANDING ” !

Even the “small” things on this trip triggered emotion…. a ride on the subway.

Our first night in the City, we left Times Square and headed down to Ground Zero. We took the subway. Little did we know we would emerge right between St. Paul’s Chapel  and Ground Zero. It took my breath…. each of us knowing exactly where we were … unable to speak. I wish I could describe the sight. A clear city sky … a slight nip in the air … everything going on and moving around us yet it felt as if time had stopped. Rhett and I made eye contact and without saying knew… “THIS” has been our destination for the past 10 years.

I’ll fast forward to the following day. Rhett headed down to New Jersey to teach his Social Media in the Fire Service class. I would stay behind with Zach and work on a different project.

My various  work with Rhett,  Zach and Fox Fire  has allowed me to travel to some fantastic places and meet some great people. One of those folks is Chief Billy Goldfeder. Chief Goldfeder is a true Fire Service Leader and I am honored and privileged to know him. We had reached out to Chief Billy for this trip and he came through in an unbelievable way. What he did for us was the most emotional part of this journey and I’m not sure if I will ever be able to repay the debt.

Chief Billy arranged a tour for us at the WTC Tribute Center . Chief didn’t arrange just any tour mind you … he set it up with the Center’s founder, Lee Ielpi.

At the times of the attacks, Lee was a retired member from Rescue 2 in Brooklyn. His son was on the job with Squad 288 of Queens. Jonathan ( Lee’s son) made his last phone call to his father that day. Squad 288 lost more members than any other company that day .. 19 .. Jonathan Ielpi was one of those members.

Lee grabbed his gear and headed to Ground Zero … HE HASN’T LEFT YET ! His story should touch each of you. Before I get to it, PLEASE take a moment and watch the videos below …


Meeting Lee was much like meeting the members that we had back in the Houses … as soon as we made eye contact, “something” was understood and a bond made. Lee would keep hold of my arm or his hand on my shoulder throughout our tour. It was a comforting feeling …

Lee had a meeting to attend and at first told us he regretted the tour would be brief. Within moments, we both knew that he would be late for that meeting.

The tour he gave us was nothing short of AMAZING. Words can not describe it. It was beyond personal. He was there. Lee gave detail of each exhibit that very few know. Lee and I cried together several times that day ….

He told us the story of the 8 dads. Eight fathers searching through the rubble for their sons. Exactly 3 months to the day from the attacks, Jonathan was found. Lee was the only father of the eight to get his son back and the amazing thing was that his body was in tact. Later, they would find parts of his gear (also mostly in tact). Jonathan’s turnout coat and helmet are one of the exhibits at the Tribute Center.

Lee told us the story then turned away as we approached Jonathan’s gear … I followed, both crying once again. I thought of Lee and Jonathan as well as of me and my dad. It’s a powerful story and exhibit. It also speaks of the kind of man Lee is to have that exhibit in the Tribute Center.

I didn’t take any pictures inside the Tribute Center. It is allowed and welcomed but for me, it didn’t feel right. Beyond that, I didn’t want to interrupt Lee’s conversation / stories nor did I want to be released from his touch. I hesitate even to add the picture to the right … it’s Lee by the actual exhibit. I add it only in hopes that it will “speak” to you as the entire experience did for me.

Beyond the exhibits, Lee told a bigger story … a story he wants everyone to know. He needs our help!

The center is staffed mostly with volunteers. Not just any volunteer either. Most of the folks giving tours etc are survivors of the attack in one way or another. People who escaped the collapse, who lost loved ones, who were outside watching as the towers fell, etc. The story is being told through so many perspectives yet through the same focus … from the ones who were there.

The thing is, the only way to hear this story is to go to the tribute Center. Do you know that the details and events of that day (as well as those preceding and following) are not in our children’s history books?  Ten years later and it’s not mentioned in school !!!

Who will teach our children? What will they teach them? I think about the Buckaroo … what will he learn of that day?? As it stands now… NOTHING. Nothing other than what I will teach him. It needs to be in our children’s history books! The entire story … the TRUTH.

The Tribute Center has several classroom resource kits that teach the important lessons of 9/11. “Eight videos reveal personal stories from people who were directly impacted by September 11, 2001 and who in response developed projects to make this world a more peaceful, tolerant place. Each story is accompanied by discussion questions, historical context, research links and projects.”

I will post more on Lee, The Tribute Center and their mission in the future. A LOT more. If interested, you can find the resource kits HERE .

Thanks for reading …

Captain Wines

Posted by on October 30, 2011 • Filed under: administration-leadership, fire-prevention-education, fire-rescue-topics, in-the-line-of-duty, line-of-duty, major-incidents, news, Uncategorized, videos • Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

FIRE CRITIC AND IRONFIREMEN.COM ON THE ROAD AGAIN NYC 2011

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It’s been a while since I’ve checked in but it’s not because I’ve been slacking.

I’m actually posting this installment from NJ. Rhett and I have been between NJ and New York City for the past several days. We’ve been up here with our good friend from Fox Fire  Zach Green.

Find Zach, MN8 Products and Fox Fire on Face Book HERE

It’s been a ton of work and a hectic schedule but we are also having a blast. This is basically a work trip for us. I will be assisting Rhett while he teaches his “Social Media” class in New Jersey. He is teaching through Kean University  for the 2nd time …. a great class if you ever get the chance to catch it.

We are also doing a little leg work for Zach and Fox Fire. This has allowed us to visit a few of the elite companies of the FDNY.

We started out at Rescue Company #4 in Queens ( Wednesday).

Rescue 4 is a GREAT house!

Back in “the day”, I (and good friend / brother Captain Todd Stone) would go up and ride at R4. That was an awesome experience. I haven’t been to or rode a rig in New York since 2002. It felt great to be back in a FDNY house.

The Brothers of R4 were very welcoming. They opened the house and treated us very well. This was Rhett and Zach’s first visit to a Rescue Company in FDNY. They were very impressed.

 

After leaving our Brothers in Queens, we headed into Manhattan. Our first stop was Times Square and then down to Ground Zero and the Freedom Tower . It was unbelievable to see at night!

We ended up at FDNY’s Ten House ….Engine 10 / Truck 10 … this was another AWESOME visit. For those of you who don’t know, 10 House is located right at Ground Zero.

I’d say Truck 10 is one of the most recognizable post - 9/11  Ladders in the City ( in my opinion ). I’d say most of you have seen the American flag and 9/11 photo on the side. Their previous rig was destroyed during the attacks. They were able to recover one of the doors and now have it displayed in a memorial inside the house…. a VERY emotional display!

You also have to understand that due to their location, this House is FLOODED with visitors / guest. I’m sure the last thing these guys wanted to see was the 3 of us rolling in. We would have never known that by their reactions. Just like at Rescue 4, we were welcomed with open arms.

These Brothers opened their doors and made us feel right at home.  It’s an awesome feeling to know that you can walk into a firehouse anywhere in the Country and be taken care of …. BROTHERHOOD !

After our visit at Ten House, we had to choose between eating or catching a Broadway show. Remember now that Rhett and I have been on the road since 5 am that morning and had only stopped long enough for a pack of nabs and a cold beer. I was about to STARVE.

That said, we decided to eat. Now remember, when we travel with Zach Green; WE EAT WELL !

This trip would be no exception….  we chose Ben Benson’s Steakhouse .

OMG!!! What a great steak!

Nothing says “a good time” like sharing 10lbs of beef and a bottle of good wine with friends.

I gotta say … it’s nice to sit down at a fancy restaurant every now and again. This place was way out of my league ( that’s why I was drinking wine .. they didn’t have Old Milwaukee ..LOL ) but I don’t think anyone noticed. Bottom line, it was a great cap off to our first day in NYC.

 

Oh wait…. that wasn’t the end of our night…

We also found time to hang out with that Occupy Wall Street thing ..?!?

Yea.. while out walking we stumbled upon a tent city full of …. ummmm …errrrrrr …. well, it was crowded.

Come to find out, we were smack in the middle of the occupy Wall Street thing…

Next thing we know, there is a mob marching down the street, riot police and helicopter hovering above our heads.

Rhett and Zach fit right in … before I knew it, they were holding hands with some long haired dude singing Kumbaya! LOL

So, after that; we headed to our hotel for a quick night cap before I tucked Rhett in for the night. We would have another long day Thursday.

Rhett was on the road at 5am heading down to Jersey for his first class. I would hang in the City with Zach while we finished up a little work and some more networking.  We started our day out back at Ten House before heading up to Rescue 1 .

It was very emotional for me to be back in that house.

I have posted here numerous times on doing the NFFF 9/11 Memorial Stair Climbs. I have always climbed in honor and memory of Joseph Angelini (Sr). “Joey” was assigned to Rescue 1 and I am lucky (and honored) to have not only met and knew him … I RODE WITH HIM ON RESCUE 1 !!

See a previous posts  on Joey Angelini   HERE  and    HERE    .

Of course every firehouse in the FDNY has some type of memorial, but Rescue 1 had Joey everywhere. If you double click the picture left, you’ll notice him in the upper / left row of pictures. Anyway, it was difficult for me, but I kept my composure. We were once again welcomed with open arms!

I REALLY enjoyed this vist. We were met by Lt. Tarabocchia …

A GREAT GUY …. we hit it off right from the start! ( it’s a mustache thing ).

It was almost like we were part of the company and we never even spoke of my previous year’s rides with Rescue 1. They had a visit from a Chief, a tour with a couple of kids and even conducted a in house drill.  I had told the Lt. that if things got too busy or crowded, we could slip away somewhere and return later ….    He wouldn’t hear of it.

 So, we got to hang out through it all.” The Lou” even gave me a special tour of the house and shared some personal pictures / stories … I  was HONORED.

I didn’t think we would be able to top that visit … the day only got better. We had reached out to good friend, Brother and Fire Service Leader Chief Billy Goldfeder (that’s another mustache thing). Chief Billy set us up in a way that I don’t think I’ll ever be able to repay.

He sat us up for a tour of the WTC Tribute Center . Not just any tour mind you … this was set up by Chief Billy Goldfeder … we had a PRIVATE tour. Think that sounds cool ???  What would you think if I told you that the founder himself gave us the tour? Yea … Lee Ielpi himself gave us a personal tour!

I had heard the name but it never really registered until I met him. Lee was retired from Rescue 2 (Brooklyn) at the time of the attacks. His son however was on the job. Lee’s son was murdered that day along with 342 more of our brothers. Lee headed straight down to Ground Zero that day and hasn’t left yet. Here’s a short video..

MORE VIDEO LINKS   HERE   and  HERE .

Words can’t describe the emotions of this tour. For whatever reason, Lee and I seemed to “connect” from the beginning. We cried together that day and I will never forget the time we spent  together. I will post a TON more on Lee and the WTC Tribute Center in the very near future. He made a huge impression and has motivated me to become a part of his battle.

The Tribute Center is a MUST SEE for everyone.

It’s located within it’s own building and tells the story of 9/11 through several perspectives. They have some remarkable displays and do a fantastic job of telling the story.

The tour continues outside (across the street) to the site of the Reflecting Pools and Freedom Tower.

The site is still under construction (obviously) but is also a MUST SEE . We were there in the pouring rain yet found it difficult to leave knowing that we hadn’t see it all … another emotional visit.

Needless to say, the next few hours were spent quietly … reflecting.

 SPECIAL THANKS TO CHIEF BILLY GOLDFEDER FOR GIVING ME THIS EXPERIENCE!

We did have more work to do  so, we collected ourselves and  headed out to Brooklyn for a visit with Rescue 2.

Captain Liam Flaherty and his crew also opened their house to make us feel at home.

We shared some great conversation around their kitchen table while watching the Rangers game. I had been to R2 before but have never ridden. I had also meet Captain Flaherty before while at Firehouse Expo in Baltimore, Md. earlier this year ( see that post and pictures again by clicking  HERE )

We were all beat by this time and once again headed back to our hotel for a few hours sleep.

This morning, Rhett and I loaded up and headed back down to Jersey for a 2nd day of teaching Social Media. Zach will catch a flight back to Ohio around mid day. I have a lot more info to share with you about our trip but I’ll save that for posts later this week.

As soon as we finish up class, Rhett and I will be back on the road and headed home. Rhett works tomorrow and I’ll return to duty on Sunday. Special thanks as well to Roanoke Brothers Lt. Barry Ferguson, Lt Chuck Sharp and Captain Craig Sellers for covering my shifts Wednesday and Friday.

I’ll give ya more in the next day or so … until I get back, Stay Safe and in House!

Captain Wines

 

 

 

Posted by on October 28, 2011 • Filed under: in-the-line-of-duty, line-of-duty, news, Uncategorized, videos • Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

We are all climbing

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Tomorrow, Rhett (The Fire Critic), Kevin Tottin ( Salem Fire / EMS ) and I will arrive in Baltimore, Md for Firehouse Expo 2011.

We have a very busy work schedule through Sunday. We will be there working with Firefighter Netcast  and will be set up in Booth #743 with the likes of  Bill Schum ( Fire Geezer) and Dave Statter ( Statter 911 ) … Stop by for a visit!

We also have several meetings to attend and people to meet with. You will of course find us with the crew from the Fire/EMS Blog Network, Go Forward Media  and Go Forward Fire.  Bosses Dave Iannone and Chris ” hey buuuuuddy” Herbert always take pretty good care of us.  Bill Carey, Paul Andrews and Mary Velline are another 3 folks from the Go Forward team who have always made me feel right at home.  You may also find us hanging out with Zach Green and his crew from MN8 Products / Fox Fire.  Despite all the work, we’re gonna have a good time!

We (Rhett, Kevin and I) will also be participating in the 9/11 Memorial Stair Climb on Thursday at 2pm.  We will climb 110 stories of stairs in full turn out gear (I’ll be the skinny guy with a big mustache carrying Rhett).

Someone asked me the other day why in the world would I want to do that?

That’s easy … because my brothers of the FDNY couldn’t !  They weren’t allowed the time. The towers came down before they could complete their job and maybe,  in some small way; this will allow me to finish it for them.

343 members of the FDNY were climbing those stairs for the people pictured above right …. now, I’ll climb for those 343!

At the sign up, we were asked if we’d like to climb in honor or memory of a particular Firefighter. I choose Joseph “Joey” Angelini.

That’s Joey pictured to the left. Years ago, I used to go to the city for St. Patty’s Day. I’d always stay at a firehouse and catch a ride. One of my first rides was with Rescue 1. Joey was on that tour and went out of his way to spend time and talk with me. He made a lasting impression.

He was the oldest member of the FDNY still in company and he was on one of the busiest rigs !  Talk about Wooden Ladders and Iron Firemen!

His love for the job was evident in his every word …. the pride and honor. It doesn’t seem like we see a lot of that any more.

Like my dad, Joey must have passed his passion on to his son. Joseph Angelini Jr. followed his father’s footsteps but, regretfully; was also killed in the towers that September day ( assigned to Ladder Company 4).

My climb wont be easy. Their’s was worse!

I haven’t been to the gym nor have I practiced for the event. They didn’t have that luxury. The alarm sounded and they went.

This climb  has been on my mind a lot lately. I feel honored to have the opportunity.

As I was thinking, it hit me … I’ve been climbing stairs all my life. Most of us on the job have.

Not necessarily stairs like I’ll climb on Thursday, or the ones they climbed that day; but stairs none the less.

Give me a minute or 20 to explain.

Rhett had a post up last week about the final season of Rescue Me. See that post HERE . In it, he says …

“I think that many may agree that Rescue Me was a decent show in the beginning, but as the seasons progressed dysfunctional lives and too often nearly impossible heroics in conditions which are not indicative of normal firefighting lost real firefighters along the way.”

I have to disagree. I LOVE the show. I can relate to the character Tommy Gavin. The show hasn’t “lost” me and, despite what others may think; I consider myself to be a “real firefighter”.

I’m as dysfunctional as Gavin. Hell, maybe more so! Most of the old or “real” firefighters I know are as well. WE HAVE TO BE! Is that a good thing? Healthy? Probably not but that doesn’t change the facts.

Are we all as messed up as Gavin? No…. it’s TV. They just rolled all (or most of) our problems into one character.

You can’t see what we’ve seen and do what we’ve done and think yourself normal. Do dead people talk to me from inside my locker? NO. But there are faces I see often and will never forget. Memories I can’t loose. I would bet that true statistics within our profession for alcohol and spousal abuse would amaze you. Whats the divorce rate in your Department? The stress of this job can be overwhelming. Wonder why heart attacks are so prevalent?

Talk about stairs to climb …. try working a 24 hour shift away from your family. Get off tomorrow morning and go to you’r 2nd job. Screen a few calls from the wife about where you have to be when to pick up the kid or kids for this or that. Fire Officer class is tonight 6- 8pm … that promotion test is just weeks away and Firefighter “Joe” from the truck could use a hand building his deck for the company cookout next week.

Don’t forget to stop by so and so and drop off a check for whatever lesson or sports club and we’re out of milk.

By the way, the dishwasher quit working,  the grass needs mowed and my car is making a “funny noise”.

Do you have enough hours in the day? Enough days in the week? Are you making enough money? Yea… all the firemen I know are filthy RICH! How about your runs?  Seeing anything that bothers you? Hungry, low income children. Do ya see people you want to help and cant?

Get closer to home How many games have you missed due to pulling a tour? How many birthdays, holidays etc? How many times have you been pulled between you’re “firehouse family” and your family at home?

It’s an up hill battle…. “stairs to climb”  and it comes with the job. Over worked, under paid, seeing people in the worst conditions, sacrificing ourselves and our families for complete strangers . .. why? Because it’s a calling … It’s OUR CALLING!

 The bad news is that there are plenty of steps. They keep going up and up. My good friend and West Coast Brother Joe Schmoe must feel like he’s on an escalator. He called last week and I knew something was heavy on his mind. He didn’t get the chance to tell me but I know what it is. Cold feet. Schmoe is nearing retirement (as in about a month away). He’s been climbing those stairs so long, he doesn’t know how to stop. He’s not sure if he wants to. I hope he finds a peaceful landing to catch his breath. I know he will but I also know that his heart and soul is in that stairway. The same one we are all climbing. Not unlike the ones that collapsed on our brothers back in 2001.

That’s why I’m climbing Thursday. Because of firemen before me like my dad and Captain Joe Schmoe who have made their climb. I’m climbing because  if any of those 343 Brothers lost on September 11, 2001  were here today, I’d guarantee they’d miss or sacrifice whatever to be right there in those stairways again.

Thursday, they will be. They will be in a stairway in Baltimore Md. They will be in my mind and I WONT MISS A SINGLE STEP !!

I’ll update ya from the road… until then, stay safe and in house!

Captain Wines

Posted by on July 19, 2011 • Filed under: fire-rescue-topics, firefighter-safety-health, in-the-line-of-duty, line-of-duty, news, Uncategorized • Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,